Liking your body

I am 33 years old. I have had two children. My body isn't going to look like it did when I was 20. After having lost a large amount of weight due to a stressful job, I gained some back. I wonder why I haven't been able to shed it via the bike riding, walking, and other activities. But honestly, some of this is muscle. BUT it doesn't matter. I go to a water aerobics class and get comments that I am "tone" and can use the bigger weights. I have gigantic calf muscles and always have. I eat relatively healthy. Yes, I love to eat candy and sweets, but I'm not eating fast food every night. BUT it doesn't matter. It's my body and I like it. I have my "war" wounds: scars from surgery, stretch marks from pregnancy, etc. But I look in the mirror and say this is my body, I look good for 33 and two babies.

Writing it out... because it's good for you

I talked to a wonderful mentor today...someone I know, but not all that well. And she gave me the best piece of advice for my intellect and head. WRITE. Write about what you see. Write about what happens. Journal the living experiences. Look at the world through a lens!

And I have so much. I observe so intently everyday. I just have a hard time writing it out. Maybe it's the fear and the rejections I have gone through. But my writing also needs to get out of my head. To show what I see in the world.

I'm taking it back again..my voice, my analytical mind. Give up the fear. F*** the s*** and people who hurt me or put me down. It's time to move forward.

More on being a teacher at a CC

It's the end of the semester and yes, I'm beginning to feel bitchy. Papers to grade. Papers not submitted in their correct place. Students with crisis. My phone ringing off the hook.

But what do you do? Some people say don't babysit the students. Yet, I know one student is so depressed about news she received. She was crying when I called her. Another in the ER. But many of these students are single parents, working full time, and going back to school. The system has screwed them and their tuition at a CC is puts them in financial despair, but they need the degree to go on.

So, some people would say too bad, but yes, the helping instinct in me says, no. They have to pass the class. Not the ones who never do anything, but the ones who have worked their tails off. Yes, all professors and instructors face similar challenges at the end of the semester, but my students do care about their course work very much. They are not doing this on purpose, but because they live life.

Being from the Midwest

I hail from a state smack dab in the middle of the US. I moved to the state next door for college and then a bit further North, but at least a metro area.
So, I went to our credit union on Friday to pay on our loan. I was asked by the teller why we don't have our other accounts with this place. I said because we got our accounts when we moved here, X bank is bigger and more convenient when traveling back home for ATMs. She asks what state. I tell her. The she asks what city. I tell her. Then she tells me she's from X town in X state. I look at her with my okay, what do you want me to say look as I have no idea in hell where this tiny town is.
Well, she explains and it's nearer where my in-laws live in the boonies of the state I grew up in, but closer to the town my partner grew up in.
But how the hell would I know where X town is. Sometimes I think people from the Midwest and the same state think we are going to know where everything yes. Granted, I know where some towns are from my dad's service work across the state, but good gosh I'm not that expert on the state of X.
Do others get this? Am I attributing this to a Midwestern thing, but it might happen all over? Was she lonely and looking for connections?
Yes, random, but it turned into a 10 minute conversation.... Oh, how the small things in life perplex me or they keep my mind of the shitty things happening in the world.

A story I wanted to scream to the world just a short time ago.
But now a story I want to forget.
Yet, the nightmares still happen.
Yes, a hostile work environment can have lasting effects.
A package came in the mail today.
Proofs from a book I worked on as the managerial editor.
Professional obligation is to look at what's inside.
But the part of me that wants to say f** you, wants to forget the mail ever came.

No, I haven't told the story yet in this forum.
It took so long to heal and I'm still healing.
I have a hard time accepting praise or compliments
The telling me I am wrong and have no side to my story is what I fear will come later.
And I run like mad when anyone is trying to preach in the streets.
All I want to say right now to my old work, is f** you.
You ruined my life for too long.
I am me.
You stole my life for too long.
But I found myself again.
F** you!

It's not okay

I am pissed off, upset, and concerned for a friend, but for all young women who may experience what we have been through.
I've thought this before. Maybe it has been written about, but I haven't seen it.
Rape is non-consensual sex.
A woman (or man) should not blame themselves when they are unable to say no. And when I say this I mean that are in a state of mind, which yes might be inebriated, and/or afraid to fight back and say no.
Don't blame yourselves. Stop. Even if he (she) thinks it was consensual, it's not. You didn't consent to the act.
But I believe many of us didn't call it rape and many young girls don't.
They see this force of power as a someone liking them, paying attention to them.
But it's not good attention. If they respect you, they would not violate you.
Women, teens and adults, face this. I know they do.
You can't excuse his(her) behavior because you were drunk. That's blaming the victim and not making the abuser take responsibility for their actions. I don't care what the abuser thinks. If you don't remember it, how can it have been consensual?
We need to mentor young girls. We need to help them gain self-esteem. We need to challenge a society that blames the victim for being drunk. We need to challenge society's norms that promote a rape culture and power.
No it's not okay. Please tell me you believe this dear friend. I am hurting for you.
I wish I would have defined the times it happened to me as what they were at the time. Instead it f*** ed with my head, my future relationships, and security with myself.
It's not okay.

Teaching with Passion from the Heart

I finished my degree and so now for three years, I can enact the title Dr.

Yet, where I work, I don't persuade the students to call me Dr.

I am " My Name" and I am their instructor.

Some of my professional societies don't understand what I do.

Don't get me wrong...

I still believe in the necessity of research, but yet that's not what I have time to do.

A paper rejected on the basis of "experience" over literature.

It's about teaching, not about applying theory.

I teach at a community college. I teach in-person. I teach online.

I teach with passion and from the heart.

I look to fellow instructors, not all sociologists, for advice and support.

Our students are smart. Our students are strong. Our students have lived through what most of us only read about.

Our students are young and old.

Our students can identify with any status you can think of.

I teach. I mentor. I advise.

It's the end of the semester.

I have four classes to grade, while my colleagues have five or more.

I have to go with my instinct of what is right and it's not always right.

I teach towards a goal of inclusion and changing lives.

I understand learner outcomes and different pedagogical techniques.

I employ my knowledge of teaching.

But teaching comes from the heart.

Teaching is knowing your students and understanding their plight.

It's finals, but the crisis are real my students face.

Teaching is about passion and the students.

The Memorial Service

Today was the memorial service for our departed friend- a friend, mother, partner, mentor, teacher, and scholar taken from us too early. Not to say the memorial service was what any of us wanted to be at, as we would prefer to have her here, but it was beautiful nonetheless celebrating her amazing life and journey. She touched so many.

Why blog about this experience? Well, her memorial was touching and her spirit needs to live on. A woman who put social justice as a paramount concern to her life and touched so many people needs to be remembered. Of course the memorial service was emotional and difficult at times. Hearing one of her students talk touched me deeply. And her students were in the audience with wet eyes. That is the sign of a passionate teacher. And listening to her parents talk about her life at the beginning and at the end while her partner talked about his sweetie. And in her spirit, the ceremony was multi-denominational to show how bridges can be built to enact positive experiences and change.

Random thoughts

You can study it and think you know it, but it is a perspective, because to work with it or live in it, is a different perspective that doesn't come across from a distant perspective.

People change, yet some personality characteristics remain the same. Yet, if the friendship is good, you take these as part of that person without getting mad.

No one is ever perfect nor is everyone ever happy all the time. And pretending to be is idealized bs.

Saying goodbye

Tomorrow is the day we say goodbye to our dear friend at her memorial service. It's been a few weeks since her death and the service, so the grief has become easier. However, as her service comes near, a new wave a feelings hits. And honestly, I've never been to a service for a person so close to age to me. There will be a variety of people at the service done at the institution she worked for.

I miss my friend. I'll always miss my friend. But I know that these feelings can't compare with what her son and partner are going through. I was at the store, not one I wanted to go for this occasion, wanting to pick out a gift for her child. I want to buy a stuffed animal, but what's right and appropriate? How is he feeling? What does he comprehend about this? How will he feel when he's 10 years older?

We also hear the notion parents are not supposed to die before their children. But parents shouldn't die before their children don't need them. Dear child, you are in my heart and thoughts. When I hug my children at night, I am extending this to you. Please know how wonderful your mom was and how much she loved you. You were the world to her. Nothing will replace loosing her, but please know you were the light of her life and from her place above us, she is caring for your soul.

Thiking Indepdently

I have not written about my old job because it is still painful. I feel that I lost six months of my life and I am angry. In thinking about this, I attended the Planned Parenthood solidarity event yesterday to counter the pro-life protesters annual Good Friday event. I was hoping that my picture would make it somewhere that my old boss and co-workers would see. Yes, this is me. I am a feminist. I am pro-choice.

Beyond the nightmares I still have about my old boss in which I dream he still tries to contact me and convert me to his religion, I had an odd incident this week. Another adjunct faculty at my current work used to be an adjunct at the institution I worked an applied job at. We know one of the same people who gave both of us similar advice. Her story is a bit different than mine and is tied more into the structure a certain school within the institution, but again, it reminds me of why I am glad I left. For an institution that claims to be for social justice, there are many things that don't add up in terms of how employees are treated.

So, this leads me either to talk about my horrid work experience or my opinions on private religious schools. I hope my kids do not choose to go to a private college affiliated with a religion. Having worked in a few and a proponent of public education, the idea makes me cringe. Okay, I'm sure some are fine and having had some experience with friends and the such so I know a few Jesuit schools seem to be more open. However, back to the point of most private religious affiliated schools. Maybe I'm opinionated and using selective information, but I want my children's education to be broad. I want them to learn critical thinking skills. If they happen to be LGBT, I want them to feel that they can be open with their identity. I want them to be able to pick from a variety of classes. I want them to learn to be independent, both as thinkers and as they transition into adulthood. And importantly, I want them to learn from the diverse experiences of others. Maybe I am a bit biased. And I know not every school of this type will fall into this. BUT, I don't want religious doctrine to affect WHAT and HOW they learn nor for them to have to hide their identity and who they are .

I'm not anti-religious. My kids have been baptized into the Congregational church (UCC... United Church of Christ), which besides Unitarian is the only organized religion I believe in. But I am for religion that is open, tolerable of diversity, and really for social justice. Hence, social justice without morality clauses attached.

Yes, it's good to see that people believe strongly about things. Yet in walking to the event yesterday at Planned Parenthood and seeing all the families walking for the pro-choice side, a few things occurred to me. One, as I was walking alone and at the time did not have stickers on, I received some looks. I'm sure it was that they assumed because I was alone, I didn't have kids and that's why I am pro-choice. WRONG. Also, another friend, who is a mom, at the event told me about her neighbor's children telling her children that their parents believed in baby killing. On the one had, great your kids listen to you, but this seems to be like brainwashing your children. Yest, it's good to teach our kids values, but shouldn't we be teaching them how to be critical thinkers and to think independently. I disagree with some of the things my kids learn in daycare, but instead of saying, I'm right and they are wrong, I encourage them to think about all sides of the issue.

The problem with thinking to much

I have so many ideas to blog about, but when it comes to sitting down and writing , I freeze. I can guess why. It may have to deal with a horrendous experience in a high school English class. It may have to deal with eight years of graduate school and field of academia which leads to constant "constructive criticism" of one's work. Yet, I have to remember from some positive experiences in college, particularly in English courses, that there are different types of writing and that just writing is helpful for finished pieces. And my gosh, this is a blog! I'm sure many face these issues of writing and I know my students do. I tell them just to sit down and finish their work. So, I must take some of my own advice knowing that expressing my thoughts, no matter what they are about, is good not only for my mind, but also for attempting more polished pieces of writing .

But I did not intend for this post to be about writing. It's just what came to mind when I started to type as I start another week. A week of interviewing for MSW internships and the final weeks of teaching this semester.

But I did have one thought this weekend I mulled over. I thought how I want time just to reflect. Yet, I thought I am one of those people who thinks too much at times, causing at times anxiety and many ideas that I think are brilliant (as in actually doing things), but never seem to enact them. And then I also thought about how I haven't engaged in anything artistic or creative to say in ages. No, free time is spent cleaning the house, which is an uphill battle with two children.

Is this because I still have the mindset that I should be working all the time, stemming from having worked two jobs and still trying to be an academic? Is it because of the "failures" I've faced, I am afraid to do a project? Whatever it is , I need to stop and let my mind and body engage in the creative.

Thus, I had many brilliant ideas this weekend that will be addressed in another post, but let's settle on a few things that are both pragmatic and fuel the creative spirit. I want to make a screen for the front porch (the one now is torn to shreds). I want to make my front porch an aesthetically pleasing place to be (i.e. plants and the so forth). I also want to make curtains for my office. There. Three things I hope to accomplish.

Informal Congratulations

I love to hear when my friends win awards! I really do and am proud of them! Yet... there's that part of me that's not jealous, but sad because I haven't "won" an award since 2004 or so when I won a research grant from my department in graduate school. I got nominated one year for graduate instructor of the year, but nope, didn't get it. And after three years of rejection (i.e. that thing called the academic job market) you think I would be strong enough not to get tied up in the emotions of "what about me?". But, sometimes it's hard exactly because of the damn failure of the job market (no institution to tie myself to... but now, I working my a** at my community college, so maybe). Anyway, in talking to a certain person, we went through a list of ways I can congratulate myself. Half sarcastic, half real, here it goes.

1) I didn't tell my ex-boss I how really felt about him, his religion, and the way I was treated. Yes, when I left, I did with a degree of professionalism though I drank happily that afternoon!
2) My kids are healthy and from what I believe happy.
3) I made it back into graduate school (yes, I'm crazy, but going to follow my passion).
4) I found my voice again. I may be opinionated, but it's based on research, thought, and passion. AND I'm using that voice.
5) I didn't give up on "life" after three years of rejection. Yes, it hurts, but the great old adage, whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
6) I still have respect and interest for a field that I'm tangential too (in terms of post PhD with no TT job)
7) I learned to take care of myself and to give myself time to enjoy life. Yes, this is the upside of not having the publish or perish or teach and publish mantras ruling my life. I can read fiction. I can spend time with kids. Yes, there's work, but I can take time to enjoy life, drink a beer, make friends, and be an activist.
8) I will enjoy spending time with children this summer. The park. The pool. Go camping. Travel maybe a bit.
9) I've learned a hell of a lot being through a hostile work experience and interviewing for three years. One of them is that I am okay even if others don't treat me well or pick me.
10) So, maybe to sum here, I've learned there's the ideal vs the real. And I can accept that and I'm okay with that. In the words of a colleague, sometimes, "it just it."

A new blog, a new time frame.
Post PhD and officially I failed the academic job market.
New opportunities? I hope. Beginning a new (or continued) journey into the world of social work.
Is it goodbye sociology or can I combine the MSW with the sociology?
But it is goodbye to horrendous job experience not in the field I chose.
And it is a week of mourning as a dear feminist and friend lost her battle with cancer.
To loose a friend is horrible, but especially so when she is young and leaves behind a young son and her partner.
Why blog now? Well, my dear friend who we have lost inspired me. She kept a blog that not only detailed the daily experiences of life, but also chocked full of insights and commentary on the social world, books, and other things. I go back and read your posts and I am happy and sad. You're not here anymore, but your words live on. You said what you felt and you said it well. Your posts ranged from a response of laughter to outrage about the injustices of the world. But you were not afraid to say it, even when you were struggling with cancer.
Yes, she has inspired me to write this, as have other events currently and in the past.
In a time of sorrow, I shed my tears in grief because we have lost a great person. I hug your son in my mind and hope he will remember how beautiful and wonderful his mother was. I think of your partner and pray for him in this time of grief (and when I say pray, I mean in a broad, non-denominational way, which will be the subject of later posts).
And to think of you, I believe it is important to say what we think, believe, and feel. Follow your heart. Follow your passions. Be a mentor to others. By speaking to what we believe and our passions, we can make a difference. And these are lessons I learned from you.
I didn't get to say goodbye, but I hope you know from above, I truly appreciated your friendship and what you provided for me in being a friend and role model. May you rest in peace.