I've thought of many, many things I could blog about... then I write a bit and I get interrupted or I can't figure out what I want to say. And now that this blog might be a bit more visible because of my "public" persona on a new feminist sociology blog, I am a bit nervous about sounding not well informed and all else related to this idea.
But in a moment of reality checking, when I thought about comments I received on my first post in this public feminist sociology blog, where I wrote about the personal, and so many said it rang true to them, I decided I am just going to write. This is not my published work. This is not my research here. It's my ideas. It's my thoughts. It's my sociological imagination and feminist perspective on overdrive as a I start my second year in a TT job, in a "foreign" land, and learn many lessons about life. Being a mom, a spouse, and a liberal social justice seeker who thinks way too much often leaves my brain fried. To think about this, a friend with ADHD said it felt like when you 100 browser tabs open on the internet. I do not have this exact feeling, but I have a lot of thoughts and feel stuck trying to get them out in a comprehensive way as I am one of those people who can both be too much in the moment, but also reflects for a long time afterwards- great qualitative research skills, but yet a detriment in my ability to communicate succinctly and clearly.
So, there are many things on my mind that I so much want to talk about, but don't have the outlet or time to fully explore... Today, I focus in gender and raising kids in environment where binary gender norms are reinforced and my struggles with this as a gender scholar and training and work in the LGBT (or GSM) field.
1) As a white person with children who are white, I find it interesting we lived in MN before moving to the South. MN, the land of Norwegians, lack of diversity, and liberalism. Yet, we lived in the inner city of Minneapolis and none of our neighbors since our kids were born were white. We've talked to kids about race, but they never really asked about it as their day cares and school classes were predominately non-white. We talked about how some might treat people differently because of this and why this is wrong, but my kids never really saw race or ethnicity as a difference (let me get to my point as I try hard to instill in them ideas about privilege, oppression, and history). But GENDER is a different story. My daughter who is older had some "ideas" she learned in one pre-school in MN, but we quickly talked about these. She "learned" boys don't have long hair (in which I showed her a picture and the actual evidence of the cut off pony tail of her cis-gender father to dispute this point) or wear nail polish. Now, I know we are in a small town in the Deep South and yours truly doesn't always follow the gender norms (I can look great and put on make up and such, which I like to do, but I also don't automatically think to put on a skirt to go to a small event). And I know that all the parents of the kids my children will associate will not think like my family, but I am going to seriously lose my sh** soon. Let me give you a few examples.
a) My son, while at a public park and rec camp this summer (who entered Kindergarten this Fall), told me the other kids made fun of him and said he was a girl for having a purple ice pack in his lunch. SERIOUSLY?? I told him there was no such thing as boys and girls colors and have reinforced this so many times.
b) Why are the names of the students in the classes at my elementary school divided by supposed gender? The girls and the boys? What distinction does this make and why does it matter? Reinforcing the binary.
c) I paint my nails and my daughters. Since my son was younger, he wanted his painted. He once told me someone said to him at Pre-K (a publicly funded program that's like pre-school here the year before Kindergarten) that boys didn't paint their nails. Again, I told him that this was not true and tried to give him examples of things that he thought girls did do, but boys didn't. This weekend I was painting my daughter's nails and he wanted his toenails painted. He said he wanted "golden", but since we had purple out he would do that so it would be easier on mom (love that kid). The next day he freaked out and wanted the nail polish remover as he thought he would go to school and get made fun of since boys don't pain their nails. Again, a conversation with a five year ensued about these false distinctions between boys and girls and how our family believed things others here may not.
d) Oh, and I forgot another incident from summer day camp with my son. First, some context, in that they switched the main counselors for the youngest kids frequently, which resulted in a few "behavioral issues" with my son (and I am not being the "my kid is perfect" parent and yes, he did things that were wrong, but what do you expect when you change the teacher with young kids so often... they test you, and that the staff were not trained in writing reports well). So after two weeks of various phone calls, including that my daughter's shoes had broke, during the day and notes home, I went to pick up the kids on a Friday. One of my favorite staff was working, who I knew as she had been the lead staff at my daughter's after school program. She tells me they tried to call me (ha, they called my office phone and I was working from home). I was thinking what now and when I heard why I gagged a little bit.
The story I was told was that my son and another "boy" were fighting and then they made up and kissed. Okay? So, I asked why they would need to call me about this and why I should be concerned. And I love this staff, but she was having a hard time saying why. I asked is that because other parents would be concerned that, gasp, the boys were "homosexual"? Because I don't care if son is or is not. She said no, it's... and again, she couldn't put in words, so I said parents would think it's sexual? She said, yes. While yes, kids are not "sexless beings" they were five year old kids, who I don't think know what this means...
You could tell me it was about boundary issues and I would say, sure, that makes sense. My social work training and work in both the LGBTQ and mental health fields has made me super sensitive to physical boundaries. You ask if you can hug or touch someone. I totally get that. But really, do you have to call me at home to shame my son for doing something I actually consider loving to another human? And I said as much that we could also see the positive in this situation in that they were fighting and made up.
So, what do I want to conclude with. I feel stuck and incompetent and guilty for feeling this. I am a gender scholar. I worked and trained in the LGBTQ field, but I don't know how to talk to a five year old about dismantling the gender binary. I don't want him to be hurt or bullied at school, but I will not cannot let my kids accept binary, false gender norms.
Help my fellow readers. I don't know if this is part of the country I am living in and more pronounced gender norms in a small, conservative, Southern town or if you all face this...
Until next time, when I might talk about how gender norms and religion are codified into a particular organization promoting girls self-confidence and such, I hope you can give me some pointers.
