We just arrived home from a trip to FL to see my partner's grandparents (transplants to Florida from the Midwest). They live in Central FL on the Atlantic coast, so in reality we were able to hear many East Coast (i..e. NY, NJ) accents. It was refreshing to think of FL in a different light until we went to breakfast the last morning and saw a couple with matching shirts. The shirts had a gun on them, with words saying we FL style, we don't call 911. The couple was older and the shirts upset me greatly, especially as I had my four year old son with us and we were sitting at the next table. I kept my mouth shut, mainly because we were with my partner's grandparents at a cafe the locals go to. But I really wanted to tell the couple how horrible their shirts were and what a bad example they were setting for children. I know people will not all think like me and I'm not per say against gun ownership, but the shirts were just wrong and within the context of stand your ground laws in FL and all the horrible shootings that have happened there, the message is sickening.
However, there are other things about the Florida trip that were pleasant. Growing up in the Midwest, with a small family and my grandparents who lived in town, we never traveled for the holidays. And with the holidays we had our own rituals. Reminding you I was an only child, the holidays could be lonely. On Thanksgiving, my grandpa made fudge, I ate it while watching the parade on TV. This is one of my beloved memories. While in college, I might have traveled the short drive home for the holidays or the shorter drive to other friend's and boyfriend's houses. But come grad school, we often made the longer trip from MN back to IA and NE. I always worried about the weather as there were years we did have to adjust travel plans due to snow and ice.
So driving to FL from South GA made me think about the term fly-over land. I know the midwest is called this, but since this was my reality and normal of driving, I just thought longer car trips were always a bit boring with the flat scenery (okay the snow could make it look nicer, but drive through farm land in the winter with no snow, and you get my point). Not that all of the drive in FL and GA was scenic, but during our route we crossed many rivers and other bodies of water. There wasn't a lot of farmland. And the rest-stops. We were in tourist country. There was free fresh juice and lots of travel brochures. Maybe IA could have free corn on the cob at their rest stops!
The trip was a nice get away from the "boro". From rural southeast GA, where poverty is prevalent, to the coast of FL, where people seem to have money, it was a shock at times. And even though I wanted to come "home", it still was hard to come back to our rental home here. I'm struggling yet with many mixed emotions of our current home.
I still feel raw about our neighbor situation. I don't like to not like people. I wish he would say he was sorry to us for his behavior, but that's not going to happen. I don't want to be afraid to let my dogs out at all. I don't want to be afraid if my dog barks, as there are many other dogs around here who bark all the time. And I hate it that he thinks he somehow is a native of here, when he is not. I want to scream to him that we are probably the best neighbors he is going to have and that if he would have asked us nicely (don't they teach this in the church you are a pastor of??), things could have been handled nicely. And by the way, MO is not exactly the South buddy, which is where you a from. And yes, I am angry because someone who proposes to be a preacher is unkind and acts evil to those around him. I wish he could get shamed for his actions, but around here, I've heard the people from this religion get to to dislike us Northerners and people who are not white. And people wonder why folks don't believe in organized religion. I know I need to move on from the situation, but I still get a bit freaked out when I see a man who looks like him and wonder if they are going to yell at me.
And I still fight the feelings of loneliness here. We lived in Minneapolis for 13 years and yes it took time to make our friends there. But I came there to go to grad school, so your cohort is your family. And then you branch out. And we lived in the "Seinfield" apartment building in which we me met one our best friends there. Then we lived in our house, in which we could talk to our neighbors, had block parties, watched each others' pets, helped each other with projects, etc. I had friends I could call on. I had people to talk to.
I know things take time, especially to develop relationships. I know that I have a few good friends here. But still, I feel lonely. I don't want empathy here. I'm using my DBT skills to say this is how I feel. I hope it gets better.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
It's finally a morning where I feel awake; insomnia and my body did not wake me up in the middle of the night. I feel asleep at a normal time instead of incredibly early. And I am thankful as this means work cam be accomplished today.
It's been a time of "outings" lately, so maybe I'll write about it here. Two good friends "outed" that they dealt with mental health issues on facebook recently. I was proud of them for doing so, but will not do this on facebook myself. But this has me wondering about why we have to "out" our identities, thinking of how the term generally is associated with LGBT identified folks. We know it's about stigma and the related issues of protecting our selves and the like. But I'm really thinking about mental health here (I do care about LGBT issues, worked in this area for a short while, but also don't feel that I can speak for others on this. It's complicated).
So back to mental health and outing. If you are reading this blog, I probably have told you about it, so you know me in some fashion. So, if you do know me, I've probably already told you I struggle with depression and anxiety. I could go into specific and possible diagnoses given to me in my life lifetime, but as someone trained in mental health from social work perspective, these are labels that are not always helpful and can hurt more than help for different reasons. But even if you didn't know this and you know me, you probably could have guessed this about me. I'm a crier. I worry excessively at times. I try to be positive, but yet sometimes end up sounding pessimistic. I could list so many other things, but my point isn't about symptoms.
I thought I wold write this about why we have shame about exposing what we struggle with in terms of mental health. But most people I have "outed" myself to are understanding and I learn that many people struggle with issues. Or they have been supportive. Yet, these are the people I wold suspect to be supportive and understanding though there could be risks in telling people in different parts of your life (i.e. colleagues, friends, family, members, etc). I intend to write more about this later and decisions I have made about my own mental health that were hard for me, but for now something else is on my mind.
Alas, finally a post that I am connecting to my future research. I am trying to start research on maternal mental health and also am prepping to teach a sociology of health care course in the fall. I obtained a sociology of mental health textbook as a primer for myself for the project. Though trained originally as a sociologist, my training in mental health is from social work in which we read and learned from many different fields. So, yes, we learned about society, patterns, and the so forth in relation to mental health that would be considered more of a sociological perspective. Yet, we also were being trained to practice (and did practice), so to say we had to learn how to help people. And sociology, I do love you as my field, but what I am reading on mental health from the sociological perspective makes me question if I am really a sociologist, but also makes me think about how some of the authors or perspectives I read almost make mental illness as something that doesn't truly exist.
So, a few thoughts on trying to connect this and end this post. We need interdisciplinary work on issues such as these. Not all sociologists are macro and looking at the experience of an issue, such as experiencing mental illness and how people deal with and construct it, is still sociological. We need to take lessons from women's studies and other critical studies. The experience is real for people. Some of us may prefer to study the issues from different aspects, which I argue is needed. And this also relates to my concern about doing research that does matter to help people.
It's been a time of "outings" lately, so maybe I'll write about it here. Two good friends "outed" that they dealt with mental health issues on facebook recently. I was proud of them for doing so, but will not do this on facebook myself. But this has me wondering about why we have to "out" our identities, thinking of how the term generally is associated with LGBT identified folks. We know it's about stigma and the related issues of protecting our selves and the like. But I'm really thinking about mental health here (I do care about LGBT issues, worked in this area for a short while, but also don't feel that I can speak for others on this. It's complicated).
So back to mental health and outing. If you are reading this blog, I probably have told you about it, so you know me in some fashion. So, if you do know me, I've probably already told you I struggle with depression and anxiety. I could go into specific and possible diagnoses given to me in my life lifetime, but as someone trained in mental health from social work perspective, these are labels that are not always helpful and can hurt more than help for different reasons. But even if you didn't know this and you know me, you probably could have guessed this about me. I'm a crier. I worry excessively at times. I try to be positive, but yet sometimes end up sounding pessimistic. I could list so many other things, but my point isn't about symptoms.
I thought I wold write this about why we have shame about exposing what we struggle with in terms of mental health. But most people I have "outed" myself to are understanding and I learn that many people struggle with issues. Or they have been supportive. Yet, these are the people I wold suspect to be supportive and understanding though there could be risks in telling people in different parts of your life (i.e. colleagues, friends, family, members, etc). I intend to write more about this later and decisions I have made about my own mental health that were hard for me, but for now something else is on my mind.
Alas, finally a post that I am connecting to my future research. I am trying to start research on maternal mental health and also am prepping to teach a sociology of health care course in the fall. I obtained a sociology of mental health textbook as a primer for myself for the project. Though trained originally as a sociologist, my training in mental health is from social work in which we read and learned from many different fields. So, yes, we learned about society, patterns, and the so forth in relation to mental health that would be considered more of a sociological perspective. Yet, we also were being trained to practice (and did practice), so to say we had to learn how to help people. And sociology, I do love you as my field, but what I am reading on mental health from the sociological perspective makes me question if I am really a sociologist, but also makes me think about how some of the authors or perspectives I read almost make mental illness as something that doesn't truly exist.
So, a few thoughts on trying to connect this and end this post. We need interdisciplinary work on issues such as these. Not all sociologists are macro and looking at the experience of an issue, such as experiencing mental illness and how people deal with and construct it, is still sociological. We need to take lessons from women's studies and other critical studies. The experience is real for people. Some of us may prefer to study the issues from different aspects, which I argue is needed. And this also relates to my concern about doing research that does matter to help people.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Why I care about issues
The problem with blogging might be similar to teaching sociology. You often focus on what is wrong or not going well. And then you wonder if people just think you are negative. I don't want to be seen as negative. And this also about learning balancing the stress, as this will always be there. But it also means, as a great mentor here told me, learning to do the dance.
Point in case. My daughter comes home with a letter from her public elementary school last night. It's all about a "Christmas" activity they are doing. Okay, well in our family we celebrate Christmas, but are not overtly religious about the meaning of this holiday. And being a sociologist, being trained in diversity and inclusivity, with friends being Jewish, atheists, and many other identities, I say the holidays. Do I say something to the teacher or the school? Do I advocate for those who may not? Or if I do will this just be another level of stress and what I have ended up labeling "butting heads" with some of the locals. I bit my tongue last week during a meeting for an organization for girls, in which another leader kept saying Christmas, though I so much wanted to ask politely if we could say holidays. However, I did not because this is the person who I already said it would bother me if we said a prayer before snack. And here we go in this debate with people who hold their identities to be so true and such a part of themselves, that it is often difficult for them to see past their beliefs to understand others may have different ones. So, I cold imagine the backlash about taking "Christ" out of Christmas stuff. But our intention is not to tell you what to believe, but to ask we all be inclusive in how we talk and organize. When I was teaching a race, class, and gender course, I had my students read a small segment by Anderson and Hill-Collins about privilege and inclusion. The analogy the authors used is one of taking a picture. We are not taking anyone out of the picture, but instead expanding the focal point and lens to include everyone.
And this leads me to another thing I have been thinking about lately and especially when I was teaching sociology classes to criminal justice majors at my old institution. I've read enough papers with sexist, racist, classist, homophobic, transphobic, and xenophobic comments to satisfy a lifetime. My partner would always ask me why I would be so upset or attached to what the students were writing. Well, considering these students were intending to go into law enforcement in some manner, it does scare me. Considering what we know about the CJS, I think you might be able get my point. So at times knowing that I may not be able to have students fully accept the idea of diversity, oppression, and privilege, and especially when teaching online courses, I ended up using the logic of "you don't want to be the reason for a lawsuit". Not how I want to teach, but what was the case.
So, I think of things here in the Deep South. I think of the segregation and the discrimination my students tell me about that they have faced. I think of our ever so pleasant neighbor screaming about us. I drive my daughter to her school, where we have little contact with beyond the newsletters and some events. My daughter is white and does well in school. However, she "is not from here" and also not a Baptist. So, we've had a few incidents where some of the other children formed a little clique about their beliefs in god and told my daughter she was wrong. But that's small potatoes in terms of what I am thinking about. Being a sociologist I know way too much about our educational systems and practices (and education is not my area). There's the institutional racism, but there's the micro level piece also in which not everyone is probably aware about. So, as I drop my kid off at school, I wonder how the teachers are trained here. They have tough jobs with little pay to begin with, but are they thinking about discrimination and inequality in society and pay attention to this? Are the kids being treated fairly? Are there unconscious ways, those micro aggressions, that happen? Are the minority children treated fairly? Are they getting the same education? Do the other kids in the school learn racist ways from their families and enact this? Again, my kid is white and a good student, so we have this privilege, but I can't help but think about our neighbor some days and wonder also if people treat her negatively because of this.
I will end this by also saying that part of the experience of thinking about my neighbor has been about feelings of safety. While some people are able to brush these things off, I am not always able to do this easily. And it hit me the other day, as I re-experienced flashbacks to a time I was mugged on my front porch and how I had a hard time walking with people behind me. I want to trust people, but some experiences leave us feeling vulnerable.
Point in case. My daughter comes home with a letter from her public elementary school last night. It's all about a "Christmas" activity they are doing. Okay, well in our family we celebrate Christmas, but are not overtly religious about the meaning of this holiday. And being a sociologist, being trained in diversity and inclusivity, with friends being Jewish, atheists, and many other identities, I say the holidays. Do I say something to the teacher or the school? Do I advocate for those who may not? Or if I do will this just be another level of stress and what I have ended up labeling "butting heads" with some of the locals. I bit my tongue last week during a meeting for an organization for girls, in which another leader kept saying Christmas, though I so much wanted to ask politely if we could say holidays. However, I did not because this is the person who I already said it would bother me if we said a prayer before snack. And here we go in this debate with people who hold their identities to be so true and such a part of themselves, that it is often difficult for them to see past their beliefs to understand others may have different ones. So, I cold imagine the backlash about taking "Christ" out of Christmas stuff. But our intention is not to tell you what to believe, but to ask we all be inclusive in how we talk and organize. When I was teaching a race, class, and gender course, I had my students read a small segment by Anderson and Hill-Collins about privilege and inclusion. The analogy the authors used is one of taking a picture. We are not taking anyone out of the picture, but instead expanding the focal point and lens to include everyone.
And this leads me to another thing I have been thinking about lately and especially when I was teaching sociology classes to criminal justice majors at my old institution. I've read enough papers with sexist, racist, classist, homophobic, transphobic, and xenophobic comments to satisfy a lifetime. My partner would always ask me why I would be so upset or attached to what the students were writing. Well, considering these students were intending to go into law enforcement in some manner, it does scare me. Considering what we know about the CJS, I think you might be able get my point. So at times knowing that I may not be able to have students fully accept the idea of diversity, oppression, and privilege, and especially when teaching online courses, I ended up using the logic of "you don't want to be the reason for a lawsuit". Not how I want to teach, but what was the case.
So, I think of things here in the Deep South. I think of the segregation and the discrimination my students tell me about that they have faced. I think of our ever so pleasant neighbor screaming about us. I drive my daughter to her school, where we have little contact with beyond the newsletters and some events. My daughter is white and does well in school. However, she "is not from here" and also not a Baptist. So, we've had a few incidents where some of the other children formed a little clique about their beliefs in god and told my daughter she was wrong. But that's small potatoes in terms of what I am thinking about. Being a sociologist I know way too much about our educational systems and practices (and education is not my area). There's the institutional racism, but there's the micro level piece also in which not everyone is probably aware about. So, as I drop my kid off at school, I wonder how the teachers are trained here. They have tough jobs with little pay to begin with, but are they thinking about discrimination and inequality in society and pay attention to this? Are the kids being treated fairly? Are there unconscious ways, those micro aggressions, that happen? Are the minority children treated fairly? Are they getting the same education? Do the other kids in the school learn racist ways from their families and enact this? Again, my kid is white and a good student, so we have this privilege, but I can't help but think about our neighbor some days and wonder also if people treat her negatively because of this.
I will end this by also saying that part of the experience of thinking about my neighbor has been about feelings of safety. While some people are able to brush these things off, I am not always able to do this easily. And it hit me the other day, as I re-experienced flashbacks to a time I was mugged on my front porch and how I had a hard time walking with people behind me. I want to trust people, but some experiences leave us feeling vulnerable.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
The first time being told "Yankee move back North"
Last night I had my first time being called a Yankee. As such, we are renting a house down here, in neighborhood that I would say is generally college students mixed with some families. People don't really talk to each other much in the neighborhood, which I think makes sense with a transient population of renters here.
So, one of our neighbors is a grandpa. While he wasn't exactly friendly when we first arrived, he did let me use his hose and an extension cord to fill the above ground pool I bought before my partner arrived with the rest of our stuff. I've attempted to be cordial to him, but just thought he was a distant person. Until last night...
I was outside doing work and my partner and one child were in the house getting dinner ready. Across the fence I got a talking to about one of my dogs, a black lab/spaniel mix, who is only 3 years old. He is a big dog and he barks at times, but my god so do all the dogs in this place. But we tell him not to bark and never let him out when we are not home. Yes, he has barked at the older man, but I tell him to stop. And the dog, like most, likes to jump, but he doesn't jump over fences (if he would escape, he digs which he did at our house in Minnesota). Anyway, there is chain link fence separating us from the old man.
Back to last night... instead of talking to me in civil way, in a threatening way tells me my dog is bad in the same sentence telling me my family and I are Yankees who need to move back North. Well, it's kind of hard to be polite back to this person at this point, and I tell him if he would say something to us nicely I would have gladly taken care of it. But then I remind him he had dog he kept on a short chain in his yard he asked me to take and that he plays his radio all night long outside and we were not freaking college students partying all night. I run and get my spouse as this guy is freaking me out. He cusses at my spouse who tells him our four year old kid is right there and not to use those words. I'm pissed. My partner walks away and I do a stupid thing and tell the guy he seems threatening, I may need to call the police, and this is where I should've kept my mouth shout, but he keeps calling me a Yankee, tell him should I start calling him a rural, redneck Southerner.
I do call my landlord as honestly, I've never faced this before. And I'm upset... scared and mad at the same time. I also have guilt of having my family move across the county for my job, to a place that is a small town in the South, and no we are not Southerners and here's one more thing to add to this stress of not feeling comfortable. And I was tempted to call the police just to document this interaction, though I didn't. My landlord asks if the guy is drunk and I saw it crossed my mind, but halfway jokingly and half way seriously said to him do Baptists drink as I believe this guy is (which I also noted that I think part of this guys belligerence to me is that I may not be Baptist... which is a story for another blog). I tell my landlord that I am scared a bit as I have no idea if this guy owns a gun (pretty common around these parts). At that point I am asking my landlord to talk to the guy at some point since we need to live here, which he seemed okay with, but saying let things cool down. Today, I really don't know if I want the landlord to talk to him and this will be my point in a minute. Do I feel bad about calling the landlord? Yes and no. No because if there are issues, I want him to know and we have done most of our own maintenance on this rental house. But today I feel a bit silly about calling him in tears and really don't think I want him to talk to the guy, as we will just ignore it until something else happens.
But later, I was outside in the front of the house and the neighbor arrived back home. I stood on my property and asked him if he was drunk as his behavior was horrible and that if we would talk to us nicely we would respond nicely and take care of the issue. But nope, he still responds in a crappy way telling me I'm a dumb ass. Lovely.
I took my son (the other child was at a birthday party) over to a friend's house after dinner (which I couldn't eat as I was upset). Felt a bit better. Came home and started crying again. And this is where I need and want to process this and am writing this blog post. This week was not great. We had a horrible college meeting in which people left scared instead of assured, which the latter I believe was supposed to be the point. I'm feeling the stress of being a parent balancing work along with really trying to give my spouse time to work on his business, which is his dream. Things are not horrible, but this hasn't been my favorite week and this first year, in moving to such a vastly different place, has not been exactly easy. So, when I got home last night, I start crying again and thinking about how I want to move back home. I felt lonely thinking I would never be able to do my job with all these outside factors anyway. Thinking if it is going to be like this here, being treated crappy because I am from the North, that it's not worth it for my family's and my sanity and at times questioning our safety (do I think this is real threat? I don't know, but more lenient gun rules, more guns, and people who act like that, it does make you think). And the guilt piles up about everything. My partner deals with this is in a much better way of saying ignore it and move on.
So, I fall asleep and wake up early (not abnormal) and I type this. A few thoughts this morning. One, I think my dog is a bit scared of going outside now or near the guy's yard. Well neighbor, you got what you asked for. But also, I need to in a sense have the attitude of being a bit angry enough that it doesn't put me back, but enough so that I don't care. Or as such to think this guy is a jerk and to take the high road. He will not scare me from being outside or having my dogs outside. I will make sure one of the dogs stays away from his side of the fence. I also have thought about talking to the college kids around us as they seem like good people who I have told to tell the dog to be quiet if he goes towards the back near them (and we tolerate the college kids' parties). I don't want to cause drama, but I also want to feel that someone would be there for our family if the man goes off again.
And I can't let this person derail my career. As much as it is hard to live here at times, I have to think about the good people and the people who have been supportive and nice. I also won't let him tarnish my view of everyone here. I reminded myself of this last night, though it's hard when you are new to an area. But as sociologist, I have to look at this in a bigger picture. As such, this is a college town, and there is historical riff with some of the locals with the college as it grows. And I'm sorry neighbor, but you live really close to campus and if my dog who is excited bothers you and you can't be grown enough to talk to me civilly and use stereotypical cut downs, you have the issue. Indeed, you just played into your own stereotype. And yes, living here has also taught me there still is a North/South divide for some folks. Get over it people... it's the year 2013. So, in closing, yes, I'm still pissed about this incident, but I will not let him scare me. That's how bullies win. Now back to work.
So, one of our neighbors is a grandpa. While he wasn't exactly friendly when we first arrived, he did let me use his hose and an extension cord to fill the above ground pool I bought before my partner arrived with the rest of our stuff. I've attempted to be cordial to him, but just thought he was a distant person. Until last night...
I was outside doing work and my partner and one child were in the house getting dinner ready. Across the fence I got a talking to about one of my dogs, a black lab/spaniel mix, who is only 3 years old. He is a big dog and he barks at times, but my god so do all the dogs in this place. But we tell him not to bark and never let him out when we are not home. Yes, he has barked at the older man, but I tell him to stop. And the dog, like most, likes to jump, but he doesn't jump over fences (if he would escape, he digs which he did at our house in Minnesota). Anyway, there is chain link fence separating us from the old man.
Back to last night... instead of talking to me in civil way, in a threatening way tells me my dog is bad in the same sentence telling me my family and I are Yankees who need to move back North. Well, it's kind of hard to be polite back to this person at this point, and I tell him if he would say something to us nicely I would have gladly taken care of it. But then I remind him he had dog he kept on a short chain in his yard he asked me to take and that he plays his radio all night long outside and we were not freaking college students partying all night. I run and get my spouse as this guy is freaking me out. He cusses at my spouse who tells him our four year old kid is right there and not to use those words. I'm pissed. My partner walks away and I do a stupid thing and tell the guy he seems threatening, I may need to call the police, and this is where I should've kept my mouth shout, but he keeps calling me a Yankee, tell him should I start calling him a rural, redneck Southerner.
I do call my landlord as honestly, I've never faced this before. And I'm upset... scared and mad at the same time. I also have guilt of having my family move across the county for my job, to a place that is a small town in the South, and no we are not Southerners and here's one more thing to add to this stress of not feeling comfortable. And I was tempted to call the police just to document this interaction, though I didn't. My landlord asks if the guy is drunk and I saw it crossed my mind, but halfway jokingly and half way seriously said to him do Baptists drink as I believe this guy is (which I also noted that I think part of this guys belligerence to me is that I may not be Baptist... which is a story for another blog). I tell my landlord that I am scared a bit as I have no idea if this guy owns a gun (pretty common around these parts). At that point I am asking my landlord to talk to the guy at some point since we need to live here, which he seemed okay with, but saying let things cool down. Today, I really don't know if I want the landlord to talk to him and this will be my point in a minute. Do I feel bad about calling the landlord? Yes and no. No because if there are issues, I want him to know and we have done most of our own maintenance on this rental house. But today I feel a bit silly about calling him in tears and really don't think I want him to talk to the guy, as we will just ignore it until something else happens.
But later, I was outside in the front of the house and the neighbor arrived back home. I stood on my property and asked him if he was drunk as his behavior was horrible and that if we would talk to us nicely we would respond nicely and take care of the issue. But nope, he still responds in a crappy way telling me I'm a dumb ass. Lovely.
I took my son (the other child was at a birthday party) over to a friend's house after dinner (which I couldn't eat as I was upset). Felt a bit better. Came home and started crying again. And this is where I need and want to process this and am writing this blog post. This week was not great. We had a horrible college meeting in which people left scared instead of assured, which the latter I believe was supposed to be the point. I'm feeling the stress of being a parent balancing work along with really trying to give my spouse time to work on his business, which is his dream. Things are not horrible, but this hasn't been my favorite week and this first year, in moving to such a vastly different place, has not been exactly easy. So, when I got home last night, I start crying again and thinking about how I want to move back home. I felt lonely thinking I would never be able to do my job with all these outside factors anyway. Thinking if it is going to be like this here, being treated crappy because I am from the North, that it's not worth it for my family's and my sanity and at times questioning our safety (do I think this is real threat? I don't know, but more lenient gun rules, more guns, and people who act like that, it does make you think). And the guilt piles up about everything. My partner deals with this is in a much better way of saying ignore it and move on.
So, I fall asleep and wake up early (not abnormal) and I type this. A few thoughts this morning. One, I think my dog is a bit scared of going outside now or near the guy's yard. Well neighbor, you got what you asked for. But also, I need to in a sense have the attitude of being a bit angry enough that it doesn't put me back, but enough so that I don't care. Or as such to think this guy is a jerk and to take the high road. He will not scare me from being outside or having my dogs outside. I will make sure one of the dogs stays away from his side of the fence. I also have thought about talking to the college kids around us as they seem like good people who I have told to tell the dog to be quiet if he goes towards the back near them (and we tolerate the college kids' parties). I don't want to cause drama, but I also want to feel that someone would be there for our family if the man goes off again.
And I can't let this person derail my career. As much as it is hard to live here at times, I have to think about the good people and the people who have been supportive and nice. I also won't let him tarnish my view of everyone here. I reminded myself of this last night, though it's hard when you are new to an area. But as sociologist, I have to look at this in a bigger picture. As such, this is a college town, and there is historical riff with some of the locals with the college as it grows. And I'm sorry neighbor, but you live really close to campus and if my dog who is excited bothers you and you can't be grown enough to talk to me civilly and use stereotypical cut downs, you have the issue. Indeed, you just played into your own stereotype. And yes, living here has also taught me there still is a North/South divide for some folks. Get over it people... it's the year 2013. So, in closing, yes, I'm still pissed about this incident, but I will not let him scare me. That's how bullies win. Now back to work.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Why I write
During the course of a day, I think about many, many things. I am that person who makes lists, but too many lists, and then tend to misplace my lists. I used to be the person who could remember everything about social events or times with friends and family, which would at times in infuriate people, but other times, it was seen as one of my quirky qualities. I take it to be one of the reasons I can be a great ethnographer.
But as I go through the day, I think a lot. I think about not only what I have to do, but I think about what I see. I think about what I hear. I often use my sociological perspective and wonder. I think about many research projects that could be done based on what I am seeing and hearing. I think of many things I could write about. I think about the "famous" blogs of different feminists and others in their writing about events and think I could do that. But, in all honesty, I don't care how many people read this, nor do I really have time to write such a great blog. Yet, I am continuing to write this blog. And here is the reason I think why.
Some people exercise to get their head together, relieve anxiety, etc. While I have exercised and felt this, I still don't get the same satisfaction of getting my thoughts together or even lets say out of my head. At times, I think of more things. I am not saying I don't like exercising or it's not good for me or anyone. But I also don't like to work out in a gym. I would prefer to ride my bike outside. I want to like Yoga more, but haven't found the right class or space to take it. And I do like to swim, but it's something I can't do for hours as I'm not that fit. As I ponder this, I think that when I exercise, I am able to be in the moment, which is incredibly important for mental health. But it doesn't necessarily help get all of these thoughts out, though I may be able to organize them more.
Oh, and if you read this and know me, I am a very verbal person. I process by talking. I probably talk too much. I like to talk about ideas. I do also like to write academically, but have realized more and more that the 20 minute a day thing hasn't been working for me lately, which may be the stage I am at now. I need large chunks of time to be into the writing and research coding process. I get in a more Zen state of writing this way and this is how I get it done.
So, back to why I write and I'm not out there running this morning or hitting the gym or what not. It clears my head. It lets me take a bit of the jumble out. I get to express myself. I get to think about how the personal experiences relate to larger society. It's my outlet, as a type of journal you might say. I often think about now what I might write after a day. And even if I don't get to writing it (as mornings are my best time for this), it helps give me direction. And also, it gives me practice. I don't edit this writing here. But I do think about my sentences and so forth. Not all academics were born great writers and some of us take longer to write, myself included. I tend to ramble when I talk and write and as a friend in my MSW program told me, reading my writing is like talking to me. So, I do try to an extent to practice some of the good writing skills here.
Thus, I conclude this writing for me is like exercise for others. But it's also my practice, my homework in getting back into writing for academic purposes. Thus, it has dual purposes to improve my mental health, but also to write better.
But as I go through the day, I think a lot. I think about not only what I have to do, but I think about what I see. I think about what I hear. I often use my sociological perspective and wonder. I think about many research projects that could be done based on what I am seeing and hearing. I think of many things I could write about. I think about the "famous" blogs of different feminists and others in their writing about events and think I could do that. But, in all honesty, I don't care how many people read this, nor do I really have time to write such a great blog. Yet, I am continuing to write this blog. And here is the reason I think why.
Some people exercise to get their head together, relieve anxiety, etc. While I have exercised and felt this, I still don't get the same satisfaction of getting my thoughts together or even lets say out of my head. At times, I think of more things. I am not saying I don't like exercising or it's not good for me or anyone. But I also don't like to work out in a gym. I would prefer to ride my bike outside. I want to like Yoga more, but haven't found the right class or space to take it. And I do like to swim, but it's something I can't do for hours as I'm not that fit. As I ponder this, I think that when I exercise, I am able to be in the moment, which is incredibly important for mental health. But it doesn't necessarily help get all of these thoughts out, though I may be able to organize them more.
Oh, and if you read this and know me, I am a very verbal person. I process by talking. I probably talk too much. I like to talk about ideas. I do also like to write academically, but have realized more and more that the 20 minute a day thing hasn't been working for me lately, which may be the stage I am at now. I need large chunks of time to be into the writing and research coding process. I get in a more Zen state of writing this way and this is how I get it done.
So, back to why I write and I'm not out there running this morning or hitting the gym or what not. It clears my head. It lets me take a bit of the jumble out. I get to express myself. I get to think about how the personal experiences relate to larger society. It's my outlet, as a type of journal you might say. I often think about now what I might write after a day. And even if I don't get to writing it (as mornings are my best time for this), it helps give me direction. And also, it gives me practice. I don't edit this writing here. But I do think about my sentences and so forth. Not all academics were born great writers and some of us take longer to write, myself included. I tend to ramble when I talk and write and as a friend in my MSW program told me, reading my writing is like talking to me. So, I do try to an extent to practice some of the good writing skills here.
Thus, I conclude this writing for me is like exercise for others. But it's also my practice, my homework in getting back into writing for academic purposes. Thus, it has dual purposes to improve my mental health, but also to write better.
practice vs research brain
As I attempt to write a submission for a conference, the idea of practice vs. research brain is on my mind. I tell people that it is hard to get back into academic writing. Yes, I obtained my PhD, but it was almost five years ago. After the last two years in a MSW program, in which we did writing, but not research, most of the focus was learning principles to apply in your practice/internship. I characterize my foundation year internship as student services and both my second year ones as clinical mental health.
While we may read the works of therapists, who write in addition to their practice in mental health, it seems when we look generally at the practice of social work, there is not time to write. But also, I have to consider what writing means and my own background before coming into a MSW program. I was already trained as a researcher, or may we say after eight years in a PhD program, an academic. While I must be careful as what I think and say only comes from my lens and non-scientific observations, it did seem that many of my classmates were more aligned with practice and not as concerned with the writing and academic components of the program. This makes sense- after all a MSW program is an applied program. I have heard in some programs, one does write a masters' paper, in ours it was all coursework and internships. But this is part of my point- I've been trained for the last two years in doing practice, not academic research, writing, and publication.
And now as I am thinking and planning my research agenda in my academic job, my brain feels jumbled and numb at times. But first, let me get to a point of why I started this blog in helping me write a conference submission. As such, let me go back to my internship experiences. My first year was in a GLBTA office, which did great work in a university setting. Academic knowledge was tied into the work of the office, though my role was more about running a mentor program and some work on ally development. In my second year, I interned in a chemical dependency rehab setting. This was a challenging internship for many reasons and again I am careful about generalizations, but it was not a setting in which one was easily allowed to ask why. I think there are a few reasons for this, but as someone trained as a scholar and researcher, this was frustrating, especially when things didn't make sense or didn't seem to be working. Moreover, my role as an intern I learned was one of not asking these type of questions. And this is the setting in which I observed things, that I did not understand or did not feel right with my training in sociology, social work, and feminist studies, in which I turned my frustration and why questions into ideas for a research project.
When I think about the not being to ask why, I also think back to my MSW program, in which every MSW student must learn about Evidence Based Practices (EBPs). And while I understand EBPs in terms of practice, though with any knowledge we must look at who was studied, when, why and the so forth to see how it might apply or its generalizability, and also use our practice wisdom in addition, sometimes it seems overwhelming to know so much while doing practice. I like to use what my supervisor in my last internship noted, use what works and use different interventions and approaches. This is a writing for another day.
But back to my point here is that I'm trying to figure out my research, draw upon sociology and social work literature and training in these areas for two areas I am interested in studying. But I am also teaching social service classes that are more skills based while also revising an internship program. My head is all over. And at times I forgot what it was like to read an academic article I truly enjoyed. So two things. Sometimes I sound like I don't know what I am saying to people when I talk. And yes, it could be that I don't know what I am saying, but yet I also have so much going on in my head with all these different things, plus my personal life in raising kids and having a partner, that it does get jumbled. Maybe I'll figure out how to decompress this information better, especially as time goes by. But my other point is that it was really exciting to start reading academic literature again and remembering what I do know and have read.
While we may read the works of therapists, who write in addition to their practice in mental health, it seems when we look generally at the practice of social work, there is not time to write. But also, I have to consider what writing means and my own background before coming into a MSW program. I was already trained as a researcher, or may we say after eight years in a PhD program, an academic. While I must be careful as what I think and say only comes from my lens and non-scientific observations, it did seem that many of my classmates were more aligned with practice and not as concerned with the writing and academic components of the program. This makes sense- after all a MSW program is an applied program. I have heard in some programs, one does write a masters' paper, in ours it was all coursework and internships. But this is part of my point- I've been trained for the last two years in doing practice, not academic research, writing, and publication.
And now as I am thinking and planning my research agenda in my academic job, my brain feels jumbled and numb at times. But first, let me get to a point of why I started this blog in helping me write a conference submission. As such, let me go back to my internship experiences. My first year was in a GLBTA office, which did great work in a university setting. Academic knowledge was tied into the work of the office, though my role was more about running a mentor program and some work on ally development. In my second year, I interned in a chemical dependency rehab setting. This was a challenging internship for many reasons and again I am careful about generalizations, but it was not a setting in which one was easily allowed to ask why. I think there are a few reasons for this, but as someone trained as a scholar and researcher, this was frustrating, especially when things didn't make sense or didn't seem to be working. Moreover, my role as an intern I learned was one of not asking these type of questions. And this is the setting in which I observed things, that I did not understand or did not feel right with my training in sociology, social work, and feminist studies, in which I turned my frustration and why questions into ideas for a research project.
When I think about the not being to ask why, I also think back to my MSW program, in which every MSW student must learn about Evidence Based Practices (EBPs). And while I understand EBPs in terms of practice, though with any knowledge we must look at who was studied, when, why and the so forth to see how it might apply or its generalizability, and also use our practice wisdom in addition, sometimes it seems overwhelming to know so much while doing practice. I like to use what my supervisor in my last internship noted, use what works and use different interventions and approaches. This is a writing for another day.
But back to my point here is that I'm trying to figure out my research, draw upon sociology and social work literature and training in these areas for two areas I am interested in studying. But I am also teaching social service classes that are more skills based while also revising an internship program. My head is all over. And at times I forgot what it was like to read an academic article I truly enjoyed. So two things. Sometimes I sound like I don't know what I am saying to people when I talk. And yes, it could be that I don't know what I am saying, but yet I also have so much going on in my head with all these different things, plus my personal life in raising kids and having a partner, that it does get jumbled. Maybe I'll figure out how to decompress this information better, especially as time goes by. But my other point is that it was really exciting to start reading academic literature again and remembering what I do know and have read.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Buttting Heads
**** DISCLAIMER**** The views expressed here are strictly of the writer, not endorsed by any other party or organization.*****
Friends and followers, it has been a while since I wrote. This doesn't mean I have not been thinking or experiencing, but the lack of time and motivation to do so. But world, I need to process and here we go.
So, after a great week of many activities with the kids, I was thinking about what a nice place this small little town is becoming. I'm finding my grove (to an extent), have fantastic colleagues, met some wonderful new friends, and my kids rock! Then I head to Atlanta to visit an old friend from high school and her family for a baby shower. The drive was pleasant and I thought "woot" I can drive to Atlanta without so much anxiety! The shower was interesting as my friend is from Poland and all her mom's friends were Polish. Even though this is my "mother tongue" on my mom's side of the family, I understood little. Yet, I had some new treats, such as polish cheesecake, which you all should try. I even stocked up at the liquor store (our county is partially dry... ), which was funny with a eight month pregnant women, myself, and two kids in tow at the liquor store stocking up!
Anyway, during this time in Atlanta, I check facebook on my phone to see that a colleague from graduate school passed away suddenly. Sadness. Shock. Disbelief. But I can't really feel or express emotion at this moment in a time of joy for a baby shower. I cry a bit on the way home from Atlanta in the car, but end up doing cleaning tasks to keep my mind busy when I get home. The grief hits hard Monday morning.
Alas, Monday is usually one of my favorite days of the week as my daughter attends a certain organization aimed at a certain gender. I help out. I have loved this org since I have known it for its progressive, liberal and inclusive stances. My daughter has been a member for a few years, but remember we are now in the deep South.
While I was just thinking about how some things about the South are nice and wishing I could find a southern grandma for my kids (you know a pseudo one since theirs all live far away) and realizing I was starting to run on southern time (being late), last night happened. I butted heads with the South again.
But this goes back a bit and not just starting last night... During one meeting, a certain parent was making sure the girls were enacting appropriate table manners. But you see, her vision of appropriate table manners and mine surely are different. As she walked around telling the girls no elbows or arms on the table while they ate snack, she also told them napkin on the lap. And honestly, I wanted to both say something and maybe laugh, but I bit my tongue. If you know me and my family, you might understand. I'm lucky to get my youngest to use a utensil sometimes, napkins do not exist in our household (we have a paper towel roll), and in all honestly I would rather reinforce eating healthy than where your elbows go... come on the kids are young!
So, this past week we were having a celebration during the meeting. I work full time and have two kids , I remind you. I made a cake (yes from a box, but I still had to mix and bake), but did make homemade frosting. I also made an appetizer veggie pizza, which I wondered if the girls would like, but hey, if not, I tried. I made the dough homemade and again spent a few good hours of my time on this.
So, I bring my food to the meeting. I bring a knife to the meeting to cut the cake. I cut the cake while girls in 2nd grade watch me. Other mom tells the girls to get away from me. I didn't mind them being there. I wanted to show them how to cut a cake and talk about math with the numbers. Then my child is left there and other mom tells her to go sit down. My mamma bear instinct comes out... and I tell her that was my child and I was okay with her being there. I may not have been pleasant, but I wasn't mean. She says sorry, but what would happen if you cut back and the knife would slip. Well, you know I thought about that, but since it was so unlikely to happen and the girls were not sticking their fingers in the way, were standing on my sides and not behind me, I really think it was okay. I did not say this to her , but this is my reasoning. Maybe I'm wrong, but they got to learn to cook sometime!
So, she's angry at me. And then another tricky situation occurs. Some other girls join our meeting and their lead person has them say a prayer before eating. So, let's put a few things out here. This is not a religious organization. and the word "god" in the materials always has an asterisk with an explanation that says this is inclusive. And I do realize I am in the Deep South, but not everyone is religious, the same religion, or prays to the same god. But the nice person asks if anyone minds. And I say I do in terms of saying a prayer. And the funny thing is I do identify as Christian and go to church. Well, the person I butted heads with has a good solution to say let's have a moment of silence so those who want to can pray silently. Great, I like this solution.
But after the meeting, I hear the drama I may have facilitated. And back to the original point up there...my friend passed away and I'm still in a shitty mood. Now we are playing the telephone game. The mom who is upset with me talks to her friend,, another adult leader in the org, and now somehow things are being said and feared. Do, I respond with slander allegations because of this? I won't, but it dearly pisses me off. Then I hear this person who is mad at me has been mad at everyone for some reason. So, clearly, I don't know how to interact with her, but there's only so long I can bite my tongue, especially when you say something to my kid when I am standing right there. I was so mad last night. I was crying because this was the tipping point in my grief. But I have an emotional hang over as I feel horrible that I may have perpetuated the drama. I'm trying to do the "dance" and I know I will step on toes. But I feel horrible that this affected more people.
Yet, I don't end this here as I want to speak to something else said that I wonder about sexism and gender dynamics. Yes, we should clean up after ourselves. But someone said we should leave the room cleaner than when we arrived. WAIT! Hold on... let's think about this.One could argue this is polite and about manners, but let's put this into some context. It's a group of girls and women. So, does this reinforce gender inequities and sexist gender roles that the women clean beyond the mess they made. I do take issue with this.
But I am not your Southern lady telling you about all the manners you should have. I may not dress the way I am supposed to for my gender roles here (i.e. dresses for occasions I find casual). I don't call everyone "mam" or "ms" but instead ask what they want to be called. I'm liberal. I'm pro-choice, but so afraid to wear any of my pro-choice shirts in public because of how my kids may be treated and the fear of getting my tires slashed or more drama. I like many things here, but find that I am butting heads and it causes grief.
My dream for my daughter is not to have ultimate table manners. My dream for my daughter is to be the vet or other career she obtains, learn how to stand up for herself and for social justice, to learn that being a girl does mean you have to be "Mrs", have kids if you don't want, be "pretty and wear bows" to be successful. I want her to have courage to stand up for what is right from a social justice lens. I want her to be able to study science and do things we don't encourage girls to do. Yes, she should be courteous and polite, but I never want to see this as complete obedience to authority.
Until next time, I think about this. And I think of the sociological imagination and implications of my life down here. I don't have empirical data, but this writing will turn into something. It's not about being right or wrong, But I would like to think my culture immersion could be a starting point for a conversation or book building communities and overcoming are divides as I won't lie, there are many divides here.
Friends and followers, it has been a while since I wrote. This doesn't mean I have not been thinking or experiencing, but the lack of time and motivation to do so. But world, I need to process and here we go.
So, after a great week of many activities with the kids, I was thinking about what a nice place this small little town is becoming. I'm finding my grove (to an extent), have fantastic colleagues, met some wonderful new friends, and my kids rock! Then I head to Atlanta to visit an old friend from high school and her family for a baby shower. The drive was pleasant and I thought "woot" I can drive to Atlanta without so much anxiety! The shower was interesting as my friend is from Poland and all her mom's friends were Polish. Even though this is my "mother tongue" on my mom's side of the family, I understood little. Yet, I had some new treats, such as polish cheesecake, which you all should try. I even stocked up at the liquor store (our county is partially dry... ), which was funny with a eight month pregnant women, myself, and two kids in tow at the liquor store stocking up!
Anyway, during this time in Atlanta, I check facebook on my phone to see that a colleague from graduate school passed away suddenly. Sadness. Shock. Disbelief. But I can't really feel or express emotion at this moment in a time of joy for a baby shower. I cry a bit on the way home from Atlanta in the car, but end up doing cleaning tasks to keep my mind busy when I get home. The grief hits hard Monday morning.
Alas, Monday is usually one of my favorite days of the week as my daughter attends a certain organization aimed at a certain gender. I help out. I have loved this org since I have known it for its progressive, liberal and inclusive stances. My daughter has been a member for a few years, but remember we are now in the deep South.
While I was just thinking about how some things about the South are nice and wishing I could find a southern grandma for my kids (you know a pseudo one since theirs all live far away) and realizing I was starting to run on southern time (being late), last night happened. I butted heads with the South again.
But this goes back a bit and not just starting last night... During one meeting, a certain parent was making sure the girls were enacting appropriate table manners. But you see, her vision of appropriate table manners and mine surely are different. As she walked around telling the girls no elbows or arms on the table while they ate snack, she also told them napkin on the lap. And honestly, I wanted to both say something and maybe laugh, but I bit my tongue. If you know me and my family, you might understand. I'm lucky to get my youngest to use a utensil sometimes, napkins do not exist in our household (we have a paper towel roll), and in all honestly I would rather reinforce eating healthy than where your elbows go... come on the kids are young!
So, this past week we were having a celebration during the meeting. I work full time and have two kids , I remind you. I made a cake (yes from a box, but I still had to mix and bake), but did make homemade frosting. I also made an appetizer veggie pizza, which I wondered if the girls would like, but hey, if not, I tried. I made the dough homemade and again spent a few good hours of my time on this.
So, I bring my food to the meeting. I bring a knife to the meeting to cut the cake. I cut the cake while girls in 2nd grade watch me. Other mom tells the girls to get away from me. I didn't mind them being there. I wanted to show them how to cut a cake and talk about math with the numbers. Then my child is left there and other mom tells her to go sit down. My mamma bear instinct comes out... and I tell her that was my child and I was okay with her being there. I may not have been pleasant, but I wasn't mean. She says sorry, but what would happen if you cut back and the knife would slip. Well, you know I thought about that, but since it was so unlikely to happen and the girls were not sticking their fingers in the way, were standing on my sides and not behind me, I really think it was okay. I did not say this to her , but this is my reasoning. Maybe I'm wrong, but they got to learn to cook sometime!
So, she's angry at me. And then another tricky situation occurs. Some other girls join our meeting and their lead person has them say a prayer before eating. So, let's put a few things out here. This is not a religious organization. and the word "god" in the materials always has an asterisk with an explanation that says this is inclusive. And I do realize I am in the Deep South, but not everyone is religious, the same religion, or prays to the same god. But the nice person asks if anyone minds. And I say I do in terms of saying a prayer. And the funny thing is I do identify as Christian and go to church. Well, the person I butted heads with has a good solution to say let's have a moment of silence so those who want to can pray silently. Great, I like this solution.
But after the meeting, I hear the drama I may have facilitated. And back to the original point up there...my friend passed away and I'm still in a shitty mood. Now we are playing the telephone game. The mom who is upset with me talks to her friend,, another adult leader in the org, and now somehow things are being said and feared. Do, I respond with slander allegations because of this? I won't, but it dearly pisses me off. Then I hear this person who is mad at me has been mad at everyone for some reason. So, clearly, I don't know how to interact with her, but there's only so long I can bite my tongue, especially when you say something to my kid when I am standing right there. I was so mad last night. I was crying because this was the tipping point in my grief. But I have an emotional hang over as I feel horrible that I may have perpetuated the drama. I'm trying to do the "dance" and I know I will step on toes. But I feel horrible that this affected more people.
Yet, I don't end this here as I want to speak to something else said that I wonder about sexism and gender dynamics. Yes, we should clean up after ourselves. But someone said we should leave the room cleaner than when we arrived. WAIT! Hold on... let's think about this.One could argue this is polite and about manners, but let's put this into some context. It's a group of girls and women. So, does this reinforce gender inequities and sexist gender roles that the women clean beyond the mess they made. I do take issue with this.
But I am not your Southern lady telling you about all the manners you should have. I may not dress the way I am supposed to for my gender roles here (i.e. dresses for occasions I find casual). I don't call everyone "mam" or "ms" but instead ask what they want to be called. I'm liberal. I'm pro-choice, but so afraid to wear any of my pro-choice shirts in public because of how my kids may be treated and the fear of getting my tires slashed or more drama. I like many things here, but find that I am butting heads and it causes grief.
My dream for my daughter is not to have ultimate table manners. My dream for my daughter is to be the vet or other career she obtains, learn how to stand up for herself and for social justice, to learn that being a girl does mean you have to be "Mrs", have kids if you don't want, be "pretty and wear bows" to be successful. I want her to have courage to stand up for what is right from a social justice lens. I want her to be able to study science and do things we don't encourage girls to do. Yes, she should be courteous and polite, but I never want to see this as complete obedience to authority.
Until next time, I think about this. And I think of the sociological imagination and implications of my life down here. I don't have empirical data, but this writing will turn into something. It's not about being right or wrong, But I would like to think my culture immersion could be a starting point for a conversation or book building communities and overcoming are divides as I won't lie, there are many divides here.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
A college town?
In the midst of a weekend of ups and downs, in which I questioned again my location in this place, it occurred to me that as a "college town" this place is not particularly intellectual. A colleague mentioned this to me a short while back. There are not bookstores, the coffee shops, and the intellectual life we often times associate with a college town. Instead, near campus there are many bars, catered towards undergraduates. In town, there is a chain book store beyond the college bookstores near campus. Okay and when I say bar, I mean not really a bar, because bars cannot exist here as they must sell food. There is a small, great art center and a small farmers' market. But this town does not exist for faculty. It is exists for students. And this is a mistake in my mind. It needs to cater to not only the students, but also faculty, and the local folks.
This post comes after attending a reception at the University's President's house last night for new faculty. The short remarks centered on how much the faculty matter and our great credentials. That's nice. I am proud of my education and I would like to use it to research and do teaching, which would allow me tenure. Yet, our locations I do think have an affect on our abilities to do such things, or at the least allow the process to be easier. And I wonder if the University, one of the largest employers in the area, thinks of the livability, which relates to our productivity, for faculty. Yes, the students tuition pays our salary, but your viability as an institution, beyond athletics, which is another story, rests on having faculty. We need support. We need spaces for faculty to engage in intellectual stimulation. We need to feel welcome in the places we live as faculty here, instead of feeling marginalized by our status affiliated with the University and for some of us, as outsiders to the South.
This brings me to another point I have been wondering about lately. After attending a few new faculty orientations and such, many, many people have gone to school here for some degree. Granted one of the meetings was in my college, in which half the faculty taught comp classes, I would assume as temporary faculty, but still I heard over and over how many degrees faculty had granted by this institution. While I've heard it is somewhat common to hire professors who completed their undergraduate work at an institution, especially private schools or maybe even a school like this one because of its location, I've also heard it is not good practice to only hire your own. This is because when people come from different places and are taught at different institutions they bring new ideas. While I know some of us are not from here and from what I know there are quite a few of us with PhDs from good schools (and my point is not to get into I went to a good school, etc, but for the fact that many of us did work our tails off in PhD programs at other places, I do think we should be proud), but I feel that we are looked at with suspect. Maybe this happens other places... I cannot generalize from only my experiences here. And yes, maybe this is because I am still feeling like an outsider here, moving from a large metro area, with numerous amenities and institutions of higher education, and prior to that my college town, which did have coffee shops, book stores, and more of an intellectual atmosphere around campus beyond the football culture.
So, maybe marketing folks should talk to faculty. Maybe they should talk to us social scientists... they use methods similar to us. Some things here have to be catered toward faculty or they are going to leave. And not all faculty are rich, so high priced eateries are not what I am talking about. And to ask so simply, this could even be a Target for right now or a grocery store that is note one of the ones we have here. But oh, I wish there were spaces for faculty and this town was not catered towards students or just buying new shit just to buy it.
And my last point here is that some faculty also have children and we are supposed to be delighted by the child development center as an amenity. We couldn't afford it. But my point is not that it should be affordable (and I have a different thought on this and maybe we should make it this way to allow students to use it), but that the small things for faculty to mix and mingle cater towards those without kids. Why not family friendly events?
Maybe some of my dreams will come true. I do hope to stay here. I really want to keep my academic job. And this means getting tenure. And some people may say why are you not writing your research to get tenure. Well my friends, as someone trained in mental health, having an outlet for my thoughts is part of my self-care. And as I say again, doing more writing makes you better no matter what it is, right?
This post comes after attending a reception at the University's President's house last night for new faculty. The short remarks centered on how much the faculty matter and our great credentials. That's nice. I am proud of my education and I would like to use it to research and do teaching, which would allow me tenure. Yet, our locations I do think have an affect on our abilities to do such things, or at the least allow the process to be easier. And I wonder if the University, one of the largest employers in the area, thinks of the livability, which relates to our productivity, for faculty. Yes, the students tuition pays our salary, but your viability as an institution, beyond athletics, which is another story, rests on having faculty. We need support. We need spaces for faculty to engage in intellectual stimulation. We need to feel welcome in the places we live as faculty here, instead of feeling marginalized by our status affiliated with the University and for some of us, as outsiders to the South.
This brings me to another point I have been wondering about lately. After attending a few new faculty orientations and such, many, many people have gone to school here for some degree. Granted one of the meetings was in my college, in which half the faculty taught comp classes, I would assume as temporary faculty, but still I heard over and over how many degrees faculty had granted by this institution. While I've heard it is somewhat common to hire professors who completed their undergraduate work at an institution, especially private schools or maybe even a school like this one because of its location, I've also heard it is not good practice to only hire your own. This is because when people come from different places and are taught at different institutions they bring new ideas. While I know some of us are not from here and from what I know there are quite a few of us with PhDs from good schools (and my point is not to get into I went to a good school, etc, but for the fact that many of us did work our tails off in PhD programs at other places, I do think we should be proud), but I feel that we are looked at with suspect. Maybe this happens other places... I cannot generalize from only my experiences here. And yes, maybe this is because I am still feeling like an outsider here, moving from a large metro area, with numerous amenities and institutions of higher education, and prior to that my college town, which did have coffee shops, book stores, and more of an intellectual atmosphere around campus beyond the football culture.
So, maybe marketing folks should talk to faculty. Maybe they should talk to us social scientists... they use methods similar to us. Some things here have to be catered toward faculty or they are going to leave. And not all faculty are rich, so high priced eateries are not what I am talking about. And to ask so simply, this could even be a Target for right now or a grocery store that is note one of the ones we have here. But oh, I wish there were spaces for faculty and this town was not catered towards students or just buying new shit just to buy it.
And my last point here is that some faculty also have children and we are supposed to be delighted by the child development center as an amenity. We couldn't afford it. But my point is not that it should be affordable (and I have a different thought on this and maybe we should make it this way to allow students to use it), but that the small things for faculty to mix and mingle cater towards those without kids. Why not family friendly events?
Maybe some of my dreams will come true. I do hope to stay here. I really want to keep my academic job. And this means getting tenure. And some people may say why are you not writing your research to get tenure. Well my friends, as someone trained in mental health, having an outlet for my thoughts is part of my self-care. And as I say again, doing more writing makes you better no matter what it is, right?
Thursday, October 3, 2013
I thought last night about how negative my post may have sounded and the sheer amount of time I have spent being stressed about fitting in here. There are things I do like and as my partner put it, for some things, in his words, "you knew it would be like this here."
A colleague told me when need people like me (us) here and I have thought about that before. If we are all trained as social justice activists and only stay in or near places were people think like us, is this going to change the rest of our world? And I had thought after completing the MSW to look at jobs in the South for related reasons (or even in my reproductive justice work).
I talk about these things as there are reasons why I do like living here, even though things are not always easy. I grew up in that stable middle class midwestern family... the one in which your parents never move, own their house, and vacations were planned around my dad's work trips. I never moved until I left for college. My parents had the same careers, or at least worked for the same company, until they retried. We never went to Florida or the coasts for vacation or visits. We stayed close to the Midwest. But I also had a small family, though my maternal Russian and Polish side was large- but we did not have family get togethers with the extended family. I had a stable life, yet a sheltered life.
So, I never got to travel the world, or even the United States a kid. The South, as well as other places, seemed exotic. But yet, I have always had a desire to be in the South because of the historical significance of the place.And I'm here and it can be hard, but yet, I am here. I can see palm trees, giant cacti, and have tiny lizards in our yard. I can drive an hour or so to the ocean (which is pretty special to a girl from the landlocked part of this country). I can drive to historical sites, where history happened, that I only have been able to read about or watch in documentaries.
And there are good folks here.... I may not agree with all on their politics, but that happens elsewhere also.
I truly enjoy the weather... I like the warmth, the humidity. I like basking in the sunshine, just like the alligators.
I may never fit in completely here as I was not born and raised here. And I won't stop fighting for social justice. But yet I have to find myself here... not only how do I fit in, learn about things from the local, but also to create a larger picture with what I do know. And ultimately, I need to find peace with myself. There is always something to worry about, but I can't let that dictate my life and need to embrace it all.
I love my friends who I have met through my job. And yes, they have become my family. Maybe we will all find the southern granny here who will become part of our local family.
A colleague told me when need people like me (us) here and I have thought about that before. If we are all trained as social justice activists and only stay in or near places were people think like us, is this going to change the rest of our world? And I had thought after completing the MSW to look at jobs in the South for related reasons (or even in my reproductive justice work).
I talk about these things as there are reasons why I do like living here, even though things are not always easy. I grew up in that stable middle class midwestern family... the one in which your parents never move, own their house, and vacations were planned around my dad's work trips. I never moved until I left for college. My parents had the same careers, or at least worked for the same company, until they retried. We never went to Florida or the coasts for vacation or visits. We stayed close to the Midwest. But I also had a small family, though my maternal Russian and Polish side was large- but we did not have family get togethers with the extended family. I had a stable life, yet a sheltered life.
So, I never got to travel the world, or even the United States a kid. The South, as well as other places, seemed exotic. But yet, I have always had a desire to be in the South because of the historical significance of the place.And I'm here and it can be hard, but yet, I am here. I can see palm trees, giant cacti, and have tiny lizards in our yard. I can drive an hour or so to the ocean (which is pretty special to a girl from the landlocked part of this country). I can drive to historical sites, where history happened, that I only have been able to read about or watch in documentaries.
And there are good folks here.... I may not agree with all on their politics, but that happens elsewhere also.
I truly enjoy the weather... I like the warmth, the humidity. I like basking in the sunshine, just like the alligators.
I may never fit in completely here as I was not born and raised here. And I won't stop fighting for social justice. But yet I have to find myself here... not only how do I fit in, learn about things from the local, but also to create a larger picture with what I do know. And ultimately, I need to find peace with myself. There is always something to worry about, but I can't let that dictate my life and need to embrace it all.
I love my friends who I have met through my job. And yes, they have become my family. Maybe we will all find the southern granny here who will become part of our local family.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Looking From Above
AN OLD POST FROM TWO YEARS AGO I DID NOT PUBLISH UNTIL TODAY... SO, A BIT OF CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER.
I have the privilege of working in an internship this semester within an academic setting. Despite many years of education in the social sciences, community organizing, and international volunteer work with women's rights, I have been called on my privilege. And it can be hard and it can hurt. But to move forward to a just society, this is needed.
Yet, there are times that I wonder if some of our ideas about social justice are just, well to theoretical, and make sense from a structural view. And ironically, my past education was in a social science that does see inequality as structural...which it is, but a right critique is that what about daily life? And now studying in a field where I assume from my studies that the structural and everyday life are important, I have been part of discussions where I question where these structural change arguments stem from.
I am not saying that structures should not change. And I think it's fair to say most doing social justice work see gender, class, race, and the so forth are related intertwined structures. And they are. But here's the thing I push myself, fellow social scientists, social justice seekers, and activists to think about. If we dismantle the structure, what happens? Will it all be good right away? And I hope you can see how this is already becoming a tough question.
Here's an example, I have always have had friends who are vegetarian and in the past decade have met more and more vegans. While I've had my time in the veggie camp, I won't go vegan. And that's another story. But it doesn't mean that I haven't thought about the meat industry. It's bad. My family has a personal history with it... and yes, it's always had issues, but my middle class self is also thankful to the jobs it provided my grandparents and grandparents. As a woman, I'm proud of the job my grandmother had in the past- one a women in this time period would not have been able to have. But I have regressed a bit.
I live in a Midwestern state- albeit in a urban area. And having read and been raised in this area of the country, one gets to know the history of the meat packing industry. And many of the workers are immigrants to this country. Immigration raids in this country have torn apart these towns and left immigrants scared. Is this is the best job for anyone? Probably not. Yet, there are personal accounts by those who work in the industry for and against it. What's wrong is the corporations that control everything.
But here's my point and something that leaves me frustrated. We shouldn't eat meat because it is tied to all the other oppressions in society. Well, I can see this argument to an extent, but here's my thing. If we all just stop eating meat and shut down the factories, where do the people who work in the jobs go? Is it fair for me as a white, middle class person to say your job is wrong? Is it fair for me to try to dismantle the system without thinking about what you will have to do? I don't think it is. Of course the industry is screwed up and labor practices are wrong. But I have huge issues when we work for social justice without talking to the people most affected by this industry... those who work in it. Those who feed their families through this wage. Everyone needs to be included in the conversation. It's easy as a White, English speaking, citizen , and who is middle class to say what's wrong and it should be different. And it's easy from my position as an educator and a student again to take this position. How easy is it to say this and research it from the outside without having this as our daily lives? Of course some people have documented different aspects of this. But if here's my moral to this... if we are social justice seekers and activists, let's think critically about all aspects of things. What can be done? Who wants it done? How does this affect not only society as a whole, but the daily lives of people, especially people who are not White, middle class, and the related privilege statuses. Do we try to do to much by trying to dismantle the system at once? How can we dismantle the system to make it better and while doing so pay attention to people's lives in the here and now?
I have the privilege of working in an internship this semester within an academic setting. Despite many years of education in the social sciences, community organizing, and international volunteer work with women's rights, I have been called on my privilege. And it can be hard and it can hurt. But to move forward to a just society, this is needed.
Yet, there are times that I wonder if some of our ideas about social justice are just, well to theoretical, and make sense from a structural view. And ironically, my past education was in a social science that does see inequality as structural...which it is, but a right critique is that what about daily life? And now studying in a field where I assume from my studies that the structural and everyday life are important, I have been part of discussions where I question where these structural change arguments stem from.
I am not saying that structures should not change. And I think it's fair to say most doing social justice work see gender, class, race, and the so forth are related intertwined structures. And they are. But here's the thing I push myself, fellow social scientists, social justice seekers, and activists to think about. If we dismantle the structure, what happens? Will it all be good right away? And I hope you can see how this is already becoming a tough question.
Here's an example, I have always have had friends who are vegetarian and in the past decade have met more and more vegans. While I've had my time in the veggie camp, I won't go vegan. And that's another story. But it doesn't mean that I haven't thought about the meat industry. It's bad. My family has a personal history with it... and yes, it's always had issues, but my middle class self is also thankful to the jobs it provided my grandparents and grandparents. As a woman, I'm proud of the job my grandmother had in the past- one a women in this time period would not have been able to have. But I have regressed a bit.
I live in a Midwestern state- albeit in a urban area. And having read and been raised in this area of the country, one gets to know the history of the meat packing industry. And many of the workers are immigrants to this country. Immigration raids in this country have torn apart these towns and left immigrants scared. Is this is the best job for anyone? Probably not. Yet, there are personal accounts by those who work in the industry for and against it. What's wrong is the corporations that control everything.
But here's my point and something that leaves me frustrated. We shouldn't eat meat because it is tied to all the other oppressions in society. Well, I can see this argument to an extent, but here's my thing. If we all just stop eating meat and shut down the factories, where do the people who work in the jobs go? Is it fair for me as a white, middle class person to say your job is wrong? Is it fair for me to try to dismantle the system without thinking about what you will have to do? I don't think it is. Of course the industry is screwed up and labor practices are wrong. But I have huge issues when we work for social justice without talking to the people most affected by this industry... those who work in it. Those who feed their families through this wage. Everyone needs to be included in the conversation. It's easy as a White, English speaking, citizen , and who is middle class to say what's wrong and it should be different. And it's easy from my position as an educator and a student again to take this position. How easy is it to say this and research it from the outside without having this as our daily lives? Of course some people have documented different aspects of this. But if here's my moral to this... if we are social justice seekers and activists, let's think critically about all aspects of things. What can be done? Who wants it done? How does this affect not only society as a whole, but the daily lives of people, especially people who are not White, middle class, and the related privilege statuses. Do we try to do to much by trying to dismantle the system at once? How can we dismantle the system to make it better and while doing so pay attention to people's lives in the here and now?
You're Not From Here
I grew up in fly-over land. The land of corn fields and a state capital most cannot pronounce. People don't think much about Iowa, though I would argue we are quite the state. Excellent education. The first presidential primaries in the nation. We legalized gay-marriage. I've also lived in Nebraska... another place we consider fly-over land. Corn, beef, and football. And then I moved to Minnesota. A great place for many reasons, but a state that is quite narcissistic at times. It may be darn cold and we pay our share of taxes, but we have great health care, great social services, public amenities for all to enjoy, and the DFL legacy of Humphrey and Wellstone. Yet, who knows these things about Minnesota except maybe people who study these issues and/or live there and Minnesota also has some work to do in terms of minority education and jobs rates.
Am I proud of where I from and where I have lived? Sure, but us from the fly-over states are not collectively known for espousing "Midwestern Pride" in this sense. And as much as we know the good things, we know the bad too (well, some of us). We are predominately White states. We lack public transportation. And so on...
I say this as I have been introduced to the concept of Southern Pride, which I don't quite grasp completely. And this may be a matter of how we all learn history beyond the places we were raised and lived. I cannot and will not ever endorse the confederate flag. To me it's symbolic of all the things I am against and first and foremost, this represents slavery to me. I use the flag example as people have told me that they display the confederate flag as part of Southern Pride, but yet do not mention the race and slavery issues embedded in this display. Sure, part of the civil war and current political debates (and the history of most politics in this country) do deal with state rights versus the federal government. But the civil war was about SLAVERY. And don't tell me that race is not an issue when Jim Crow laws existed and segregation and discrimination still exists. How can you be proud of this flag and not think about the race issues?
Okay, so this is an issue I struggle with here, especially as a social scientist. But this also relates to racist comments I overhear and get told. Granted, racism exists in the North, and it may be more covert, but for a Northerner the comments I hear with the whole Confederate flag thing take a toll. As a white person, people assume and tell me their racist comments. Depending on the situation, I respond in different ways. What I really want to say is do you know how this makes you sound? That you are a being a racist? But already being a liberal outsider in a conservative place, makes one approach situations with caution and learn how to do the social justice dance (attributed to the Reverend of the church we attend).
Yet, in talking to folks from the South, I understand that Southern Pride is also part of a defense mechanism in that stereotypes exist denoting people from the South as stupid, etc. And I can get that... people from fly over land are often stereotyped in a similar fashion (I've been asked if we had running water...yes, we do ). I think it is great that people resist stereotypes, but I can't endorse a symbol of pride that is symbolic of racial intolerance, slavery, and discrimination.
But that leads me to my last thought for now on this... I know I am an outsider here and I will write more on this as I am not just a Northerner, but a liberal one at that. An interaction with someone from the South in asking me where I was from and why I moved here, after they told me about their hobby of civil war re-enactments, said, in what I want to believe was a joking manner considering the context and place of this interaction, why don't you go back. Was it a joke? I don't really know. Even if it was, symbolically this still shows me a divide. And while I can walk away from this situation and move forward, the encounter stays with me as I try to find my place here, negotiate cultural norms, raise my children to be social justice minded, and not have to hide my identities rooted in social justice.
And this is why I write. To understand. To find comfort in a foreign place to me. I may not be living in a foreign country, but at times, it does feel like a different country. No, I'm not from here, but I do live here.
Am I proud of where I from and where I have lived? Sure, but us from the fly-over states are not collectively known for espousing "Midwestern Pride" in this sense. And as much as we know the good things, we know the bad too (well, some of us). We are predominately White states. We lack public transportation. And so on...
I say this as I have been introduced to the concept of Southern Pride, which I don't quite grasp completely. And this may be a matter of how we all learn history beyond the places we were raised and lived. I cannot and will not ever endorse the confederate flag. To me it's symbolic of all the things I am against and first and foremost, this represents slavery to me. I use the flag example as people have told me that they display the confederate flag as part of Southern Pride, but yet do not mention the race and slavery issues embedded in this display. Sure, part of the civil war and current political debates (and the history of most politics in this country) do deal with state rights versus the federal government. But the civil war was about SLAVERY. And don't tell me that race is not an issue when Jim Crow laws existed and segregation and discrimination still exists. How can you be proud of this flag and not think about the race issues?
Okay, so this is an issue I struggle with here, especially as a social scientist. But this also relates to racist comments I overhear and get told. Granted, racism exists in the North, and it may be more covert, but for a Northerner the comments I hear with the whole Confederate flag thing take a toll. As a white person, people assume and tell me their racist comments. Depending on the situation, I respond in different ways. What I really want to say is do you know how this makes you sound? That you are a being a racist? But already being a liberal outsider in a conservative place, makes one approach situations with caution and learn how to do the social justice dance (attributed to the Reverend of the church we attend).
Yet, in talking to folks from the South, I understand that Southern Pride is also part of a defense mechanism in that stereotypes exist denoting people from the South as stupid, etc. And I can get that... people from fly over land are often stereotyped in a similar fashion (I've been asked if we had running water...yes, we do ). I think it is great that people resist stereotypes, but I can't endorse a symbol of pride that is symbolic of racial intolerance, slavery, and discrimination.
But that leads me to my last thought for now on this... I know I am an outsider here and I will write more on this as I am not just a Northerner, but a liberal one at that. An interaction with someone from the South in asking me where I was from and why I moved here, after they told me about their hobby of civil war re-enactments, said, in what I want to believe was a joking manner considering the context and place of this interaction, why don't you go back. Was it a joke? I don't really know. Even if it was, symbolically this still shows me a divide. And while I can walk away from this situation and move forward, the encounter stays with me as I try to find my place here, negotiate cultural norms, raise my children to be social justice minded, and not have to hide my identities rooted in social justice.
And this is why I write. To understand. To find comfort in a foreign place to me. I may not be living in a foreign country, but at times, it does feel like a different country. No, I'm not from here, but I do live here.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
And time moves forward... and we move far away
I forgot I started this blog! And that is great as I don't have to start a new one, because oh my, there is so much to write about. Why am I writing again? Well, for a few reasons.
1) I'm out of practice. I need to spend time writing. To discuss ideas. To think.
2) I do this because I finally landed a tenure track position! And I need to publish. And to publish, you need to write and edit. And writing takes practice. And being in a MSW program didn't leave much room for writing for publication or writing beyond case notes and presentations.
3) I'm in culture shock. This Mid-Western woman has moved from the Midwest to the Deep South. And not just the Deep South, but from a metro area in the Midwest to a small town in the Deep South. And I'm very liberal and this place is not.
4) And I'm still that verbal person who thinks too much in her own head. All my imaginary followers here will think I am funny and sympathize with my experiences.
Adventures to follow soon.
1) I'm out of practice. I need to spend time writing. To discuss ideas. To think.
2) I do this because I finally landed a tenure track position! And I need to publish. And to publish, you need to write and edit. And writing takes practice. And being in a MSW program didn't leave much room for writing for publication or writing beyond case notes and presentations.
3) I'm in culture shock. This Mid-Western woman has moved from the Midwest to the Deep South. And not just the Deep South, but from a metro area in the Midwest to a small town in the Deep South. And I'm very liberal and this place is not.
4) And I'm still that verbal person who thinks too much in her own head. All my imaginary followers here will think I am funny and sympathize with my experiences.
Adventures to follow soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)