**** DISCLAIMER**** The views expressed here are strictly of the writer, not endorsed by any other party or organization.*****
Friends and followers, it has been a while since I wrote. This doesn't mean I have not been thinking or experiencing, but the lack of time and motivation to do so. But world, I need to process and here we go.
So, after a great week of many activities with the kids, I was thinking about what a nice place this small little town is becoming. I'm finding my grove (to an extent), have fantastic colleagues, met some wonderful new friends, and my kids rock! Then I head to Atlanta to visit an old friend from high school and her family for a baby shower. The drive was pleasant and I thought "woot" I can drive to Atlanta without so much anxiety! The shower was interesting as my friend is from Poland and all her mom's friends were Polish. Even though this is my "mother tongue" on my mom's side of the family, I understood little. Yet, I had some new treats, such as polish cheesecake, which you all should try. I even stocked up at the liquor store (our county is partially dry... ), which was funny with a eight month pregnant women, myself, and two kids in tow at the liquor store stocking up!
Anyway, during this time in Atlanta, I check facebook on my phone to see that a colleague from graduate school passed away suddenly. Sadness. Shock. Disbelief. But I can't really feel or express emotion at this moment in a time of joy for a baby shower. I cry a bit on the way home from Atlanta in the car, but end up doing cleaning tasks to keep my mind busy when I get home. The grief hits hard Monday morning.
Alas, Monday is usually one of my favorite days of the week as my daughter attends a certain organization aimed at a certain gender. I help out. I have loved this org since I have known it for its progressive, liberal and inclusive stances. My daughter has been a member for a few years, but remember we are now in the deep South.
While I was just thinking about how some things about the South are nice and wishing I could find a southern grandma for my kids (you know a pseudo one since theirs all live far away) and realizing I was starting to run on southern time (being late), last night happened. I butted heads with the South again.
But this goes back a bit and not just starting last night... During one meeting, a certain parent was making sure the girls were enacting appropriate table manners. But you see, her vision of appropriate table manners and mine surely are different. As she walked around telling the girls no elbows or arms on the table while they ate snack, she also told them napkin on the lap. And honestly, I wanted to both say something and maybe laugh, but I bit my tongue. If you know me and my family, you might understand. I'm lucky to get my youngest to use a utensil sometimes, napkins do not exist in our household (we have a paper towel roll), and in all honestly I would rather reinforce eating healthy than where your elbows go... come on the kids are young!
So, this past week we were having a celebration during the meeting. I work full time and have two kids , I remind you. I made a cake (yes from a box, but I still had to mix and bake), but did make homemade frosting. I also made an appetizer veggie pizza, which I wondered if the girls would like, but hey, if not, I tried. I made the dough homemade and again spent a few good hours of my time on this.
So, I bring my food to the meeting. I bring a knife to the meeting to cut the cake. I cut the cake while girls in 2nd grade watch me. Other mom tells the girls to get away from me. I didn't mind them being there. I wanted to show them how to cut a cake and talk about math with the numbers. Then my child is left there and other mom tells her to go sit down. My mamma bear instinct comes out... and I tell her that was my child and I was okay with her being there. I may not have been pleasant, but I wasn't mean. She says sorry, but what would happen if you cut back and the knife would slip. Well, you know I thought about that, but since it was so unlikely to happen and the girls were not sticking their fingers in the way, were standing on my sides and not behind me, I really think it was okay. I did not say this to her , but this is my reasoning. Maybe I'm wrong, but they got to learn to cook sometime!
So, she's angry at me. And then another tricky situation occurs. Some other girls join our meeting and their lead person has them say a prayer before eating. So, let's put a few things out here. This is not a religious organization. and the word "god" in the materials always has an asterisk with an explanation that says this is inclusive. And I do realize I am in the Deep South, but not everyone is religious, the same religion, or prays to the same god. But the nice person asks if anyone minds. And I say I do in terms of saying a prayer. And the funny thing is I do identify as Christian and go to church. Well, the person I butted heads with has a good solution to say let's have a moment of silence so those who want to can pray silently. Great, I like this solution.
But after the meeting, I hear the drama I may have facilitated. And back to the original point up there...my friend passed away and I'm still in a shitty mood. Now we are playing the telephone game. The mom who is upset with me talks to her friend,, another adult leader in the org, and now somehow things are being said and feared. Do, I respond with slander allegations because of this? I won't, but it dearly pisses me off. Then I hear this person who is mad at me has been mad at everyone for some reason. So, clearly, I don't know how to interact with her, but there's only so long I can bite my tongue, especially when you say something to my kid when I am standing right there. I was so mad last night. I was crying because this was the tipping point in my grief. But I have an emotional hang over as I feel horrible that I may have perpetuated the drama. I'm trying to do the "dance" and I know I will step on toes. But I feel horrible that this affected more people.
Yet, I don't end this here as I want to speak to something else said that I wonder about sexism and gender dynamics. Yes, we should clean up after ourselves. But someone said we should leave the room cleaner than when we arrived. WAIT! Hold on... let's think about this.One could argue this is polite and about manners, but let's put this into some context. It's a group of girls and women. So, does this reinforce gender inequities and sexist gender roles that the women clean beyond the mess they made. I do take issue with this.
But I am not your Southern lady telling you about all the manners you should have. I may not dress the way I am supposed to for my gender roles here (i.e. dresses for occasions I find casual). I don't call everyone "mam" or "ms" but instead ask what they want to be called. I'm liberal. I'm pro-choice, but so afraid to wear any of my pro-choice shirts in public because of how my kids may be treated and the fear of getting my tires slashed or more drama. I like many things here, but find that I am butting heads and it causes grief.
My dream for my daughter is not to have ultimate table manners. My dream for my daughter is to be the vet or other career she obtains, learn how to stand up for herself and for social justice, to learn that being a girl does mean you have to be "Mrs", have kids if you don't want, be "pretty and wear bows" to be successful. I want her to have courage to stand up for what is right from a social justice lens. I want her to be able to study science and do things we don't encourage girls to do. Yes, she should be courteous and polite, but I never want to see this as complete obedience to authority.
Until next time, I think about this. And I think of the sociological imagination and implications of my life down here. I don't have empirical data, but this writing will turn into something. It's not about being right or wrong, But I would like to think my culture immersion could be a starting point for a conversation or book building communities and overcoming are divides as I won't lie, there are many divides here.
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