Losing my sh**

I've tried for this entire week to construct a blog post on the trailing spouse... I write too much. I think too much. I get distracted. I get away from my main point.

I love my job. Don't get me wrong. I didn't have to come back into academia. But it's not the glorious path many think. Some of us get jobs in good colleges/universities, but in small, rural towns. These are not R1 schools, which is fine by me, but you also don't have the access to the same resources. But I'm not complaining about that...

My partner came with me to support our family, but he gave up amenities for his career to do so. My partner does have his own business and has to her for the sake of our location. He is not an academic.

We have to find a different place to live here, but are limited with finances. I dislike my neighbor so much I often feel sick when I see him. Our rental house is small. My office is the kitchen table, which does not work well.  My partner works from home... I need space to work from home but not be near him. My kids need a space to be kids.

I'm carrying around my own depression, anxiety, guilt, which is enough to derail my mind from the publishing I need to be doing. And then I carry around the guilt, real or imagined, in relation to my family moving here.

No, it's not my dream town. I have a few friends (but it's hard to classify friends as an adult). I feel my own isolation .

At times like this, I wish I could just be a conservative and say well "god will tell me what to do" or "if I pray hard enough, things will work out", but I don't believe in that (but unfortunately I am surrounded by this in Southern Baptist land).

Maybe y'all would handle this all better, but feel that I am losing my shit at times .I want to the be the rock star scholar, but maybe I never can obtain this. Maybe things have to change in ways I don't want to think about or admit, but now, I'm in a low place that I need to get out of .

Am I the only academic who has dealt with these things with a non-academic spouse who follows?????