I wrote earlier, for which I congratulate myself. I write
now, hoping something coherent spills on the page, which is not easy for me in
general, but it's not particularly easy to type on a lap top with a brace on
for carpal tunnel. But here it goes because at the least blogging
makes me feel somewhat productive, but really, it lets me think "out-loud"
to myself on paper (well the computer screen).
And I am inside my head way too often, which I am going to venture to
say many academics are, but ones who struggle with anxiety and depression may
feel this to an extreme.
I now reside in a very small town. I hope I have made
friends, but I wonder if I have. I live
in a very small town in the rural south, in which I will never completely fit
in. I was born and raised in the Midwest and lived thirteen years in the Twin
Cities metro area in Minnesota. I lived in the inner-city in Minneapolis. We
had gangs, graffiti, gunshots, muggings, you name it. Did I ever tell you about
the time there was a kid in our freshly tilled garden who ran from the police
after a sting? As he laid with a sawed off shot gun... Yea, that was kind of
interesting. Or the man who stole my mac
computer early in the morning, while I ran in my house to protect myself and
family. Or the guy my partner gave a $20 to in his empty diaper bag who said he
needed to buy diapers for his kid. Or, the guy who came up to my house asking
for money and when I told him I didn't carry cash, he said I could drive him to
the ATM. Yea, like that happened. So, yes, we had some interesting experiences.
But I loved my neighbors. At the end we were close. We
borrowed tools. We helped each other remodel and garden. We grilled. We stopped
by. We had block parties. I miss our big
old house. My once colorful (green and purple in the living room and dining
room) house. I miss my attic bedroom that felt like a tree house. I miss my
garden and all the flowers I spent years cultivating. Snow... I don't miss you,
nor the cold.
But I think of Simmel's work as I think about life now and
then. I'm too tired to go and find his quotes, but to say there is something
about living in a large area. You can be
anonymous. I didn't know everyone in Minneapolis. I didn't even know everyone
in our neighborhood. Sure, I thought at the time how great it would be to be
somewhere where you were a closer knit community, people knew you, and there
would be this ethic of community. People may know my shit, but they would care?
Now I live here... this small community in rural Southeast
Georgia. When I got here, things seemed to be great. You are new and people
invite you over. And then things trickle off as they have their things going
and I was/am supposed to be working or having found my group? But that's the
thing, the University is about the size of the town and most of us are friends
with people there. The pool is small in many ways. And yes, people know your
shit when you do dumb shit (not speaking about me... Yes, I've done dumb shit
in my life, but that was prior to the internet!). But since the pools is small and a friend and
I reflect on this, there are things I wonder about. And I wonder if this is my
"anxiety" speaking or does anyone else feel like me. Of course I would like to fit into a social
circle (or few). I'm like that. My partner is not as concerned, but he also
takes a longer time getting to know people and rightfully so, I can see how a
group of us academics can bore him. And he's a computer programmer.. his
computer is his friend. I want to be
seen as something special, a person people truly would like to hang out with. I
want my kids to be seen the same, but the younger one is having some trouble in
his behaviors lately. I don't want to be
lonely. I try to focus on what I do have. But sometimes it's not enough and I
don't know long I can feel on the margins of a new town, that isn't always
welcoming to a Yankee (and a feminist woman Yankee at that). I've heard it gets better and I want to
believe. And I am working on getting better with my own issues (ever heard
about how stress can exacerbate mental health issues.... )
Back in the days that I spoke with a therapist, which I
highly recommend for anyone (and if you didn't know therapists are supposed to
talk with therapists) and we talked
about my feelings of being lonely but being tied down with two children, she
suggested I invited people over. Well, let's think about this. Good idea, but
bad idea. I was the person who was upset at my wedding because some folks
couldn't get their drunk assess across town from the bar to our reception that
had liquor at it. So, yes, by all means
I was happy with who came, but why didn't the other people. You see, I am that
person. My partner can brush it off. I'm more of the sensitive one . I sense
your feelings and am empathetic, but the spin on this is that yes, I know I am
emotional. So, I'm trying this strategy
again here though I am embarrassed about our rental house (seriously, it's ugly
and too small for our family) . It's worked a few times to have folks over, but
when I try to invite the ones I really want to hang out with, it doesn't seem
that it happens. And then I wonder why. It could be that they are truly busy
and have not time. It could be that someone is allergic to our dogs. And maybe
that's part of this. Or some people can
be a bit flighty and also overbook. But then I wonder and worry if it is
because they don't really like me and don't want to tell me so. Which cycles
and cycles in my head. Because I am
sensitive, do I scare you? Or I think
about what I might have done to make them mad. And this my fellow readers
cycles in which anxiety and depression are linked.
So how does this get back to this small town living idea? Did
Simmel think about mental health and emotions?
Maybe... I didn't read much of his beyond my graduate theory course or
when I've taught about him in different classes. But where it does get back to the small town
thing for me where faculty are close, I worry about how I fit in, who is my friend, and my support community.
Second guessing is easy and hard for me to do; easy because I can do it second
nature; hard because I know I shouldn't do it, but I feel the need to be
prepared to be hurt.
There are only so many social circles to fit into here. I
thought I was doing well. I thought I was doing good and bringing good vibes,
despite the times I did break down. And my friends, there was a lot going on
that I have not all wrote about here, from my own medical issues, to my partner
thinking he was having a heart attack with a not so great family history that
were/all part of the package of the time.
Is it because I have anxiety and depression I long for
someone to invite me to do something? To be my friend? Is it because of being
an only child? I won't know the answers and I know this, but sometimes I do
want to know what "normal" thinking people feel about these
things. I've been coping at times by
getting back into my work. Not as much the research, but that is next, and this
is a large part of blogging again. Taking the time to think, reflect, and
write.
Yes, I want someone to say to me "You are great!",
"You are awesome!", "Please join us because you are a rock
star." But I know as an adult and someone who has worked in mental health
also, you can't get what you want from others. It starts with yourself. So,
tell me readers, are any of my feelings normal? Can I say publicly that I am sorry for who I
am at times? That I am sorry that I
needed some extra support and it may have came out shitty. I am sorry. I like
you all and hope we can be friends. Until then, I work on myself and have to be
okay with feeling ups and downs through-ought each day and hope I can heal, be better to myself and
others, and find the energy that is bogging me down to write and to continue to
do research.
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