It's finally a morning where I feel awake; insomnia and my body did not wake me up in the middle of the night. I feel asleep at a normal time instead of incredibly early. And I am thankful as this means work cam be accomplished today.
It's been a time of "outings" lately, so maybe I'll write about it here. Two good friends "outed" that they dealt with mental health issues on facebook recently. I was proud of them for doing so, but will not do this on facebook myself. But this has me wondering about why we have to "out" our identities, thinking of how the term generally is associated with LGBT identified folks. We know it's about stigma and the related issues of protecting our selves and the like. But I'm really thinking about mental health here (I do care about LGBT issues, worked in this area for a short while, but also don't feel that I can speak for others on this. It's complicated).
So back to mental health and outing. If you are reading this blog, I probably have told you about it, so you know me in some fashion. So, if you do know me, I've probably already told you I struggle with depression and anxiety. I could go into specific and possible diagnoses given to me in my life lifetime, but as someone trained in mental health from social work perspective, these are labels that are not always helpful and can hurt more than help for different reasons. But even if you didn't know this and you know me, you probably could have guessed this about me. I'm a crier. I worry excessively at times. I try to be positive, but yet sometimes end up sounding pessimistic. I could list so many other things, but my point isn't about symptoms.
I thought I wold write this about why we have shame about exposing what we struggle with in terms of mental health. But most people I have "outed" myself to are understanding and I learn that many people struggle with issues. Or they have been supportive. Yet, these are the people I wold suspect to be supportive and understanding though there could be risks in telling people in different parts of your life (i.e. colleagues, friends, family, members, etc). I intend to write more about this later and decisions I have made about my own mental health that were hard for me, but for now something else is on my mind.
Alas, finally a post that I am connecting to my future research. I am trying to start research on maternal mental health and also am prepping to teach a sociology of health care course in the fall. I obtained a sociology of mental health textbook as a primer for myself for the project. Though trained originally as a sociologist, my training in mental health is from social work in which we read and learned from many different fields. So, yes, we learned about society, patterns, and the so forth in relation to mental health that would be considered more of a sociological perspective. Yet, we also were being trained to practice (and did practice), so to say we had to learn how to help people. And sociology, I do love you as my field, but what I am reading on mental health from the sociological perspective makes me question if I am really a sociologist, but also makes me think about how some of the authors or perspectives I read almost make mental illness as something that doesn't truly exist.
So, a few thoughts on trying to connect this and end this post. We need interdisciplinary work on issues such as these. Not all sociologists are macro and looking at the experience of an issue, such as experiencing mental illness and how people deal with and construct it, is still sociological. We need to take lessons from women's studies and other critical studies. The experience is real for people. Some of us may prefer to study the issues from different aspects, which I argue is needed. And this also relates to my concern about doing research that does matter to help people.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Why I care about issues
The problem with blogging might be similar to teaching sociology. You often focus on what is wrong or not going well. And then you wonder if people just think you are negative. I don't want to be seen as negative. And this also about learning balancing the stress, as this will always be there. But it also means, as a great mentor here told me, learning to do the dance.
Point in case. My daughter comes home with a letter from her public elementary school last night. It's all about a "Christmas" activity they are doing. Okay, well in our family we celebrate Christmas, but are not overtly religious about the meaning of this holiday. And being a sociologist, being trained in diversity and inclusivity, with friends being Jewish, atheists, and many other identities, I say the holidays. Do I say something to the teacher or the school? Do I advocate for those who may not? Or if I do will this just be another level of stress and what I have ended up labeling "butting heads" with some of the locals. I bit my tongue last week during a meeting for an organization for girls, in which another leader kept saying Christmas, though I so much wanted to ask politely if we could say holidays. However, I did not because this is the person who I already said it would bother me if we said a prayer before snack. And here we go in this debate with people who hold their identities to be so true and such a part of themselves, that it is often difficult for them to see past their beliefs to understand others may have different ones. So, I cold imagine the backlash about taking "Christ" out of Christmas stuff. But our intention is not to tell you what to believe, but to ask we all be inclusive in how we talk and organize. When I was teaching a race, class, and gender course, I had my students read a small segment by Anderson and Hill-Collins about privilege and inclusion. The analogy the authors used is one of taking a picture. We are not taking anyone out of the picture, but instead expanding the focal point and lens to include everyone.
And this leads me to another thing I have been thinking about lately and especially when I was teaching sociology classes to criminal justice majors at my old institution. I've read enough papers with sexist, racist, classist, homophobic, transphobic, and xenophobic comments to satisfy a lifetime. My partner would always ask me why I would be so upset or attached to what the students were writing. Well, considering these students were intending to go into law enforcement in some manner, it does scare me. Considering what we know about the CJS, I think you might be able get my point. So at times knowing that I may not be able to have students fully accept the idea of diversity, oppression, and privilege, and especially when teaching online courses, I ended up using the logic of "you don't want to be the reason for a lawsuit". Not how I want to teach, but what was the case.
So, I think of things here in the Deep South. I think of the segregation and the discrimination my students tell me about that they have faced. I think of our ever so pleasant neighbor screaming about us. I drive my daughter to her school, where we have little contact with beyond the newsletters and some events. My daughter is white and does well in school. However, she "is not from here" and also not a Baptist. So, we've had a few incidents where some of the other children formed a little clique about their beliefs in god and told my daughter she was wrong. But that's small potatoes in terms of what I am thinking about. Being a sociologist I know way too much about our educational systems and practices (and education is not my area). There's the institutional racism, but there's the micro level piece also in which not everyone is probably aware about. So, as I drop my kid off at school, I wonder how the teachers are trained here. They have tough jobs with little pay to begin with, but are they thinking about discrimination and inequality in society and pay attention to this? Are the kids being treated fairly? Are there unconscious ways, those micro aggressions, that happen? Are the minority children treated fairly? Are they getting the same education? Do the other kids in the school learn racist ways from their families and enact this? Again, my kid is white and a good student, so we have this privilege, but I can't help but think about our neighbor some days and wonder also if people treat her negatively because of this.
I will end this by also saying that part of the experience of thinking about my neighbor has been about feelings of safety. While some people are able to brush these things off, I am not always able to do this easily. And it hit me the other day, as I re-experienced flashbacks to a time I was mugged on my front porch and how I had a hard time walking with people behind me. I want to trust people, but some experiences leave us feeling vulnerable.
Point in case. My daughter comes home with a letter from her public elementary school last night. It's all about a "Christmas" activity they are doing. Okay, well in our family we celebrate Christmas, but are not overtly religious about the meaning of this holiday. And being a sociologist, being trained in diversity and inclusivity, with friends being Jewish, atheists, and many other identities, I say the holidays. Do I say something to the teacher or the school? Do I advocate for those who may not? Or if I do will this just be another level of stress and what I have ended up labeling "butting heads" with some of the locals. I bit my tongue last week during a meeting for an organization for girls, in which another leader kept saying Christmas, though I so much wanted to ask politely if we could say holidays. However, I did not because this is the person who I already said it would bother me if we said a prayer before snack. And here we go in this debate with people who hold their identities to be so true and such a part of themselves, that it is often difficult for them to see past their beliefs to understand others may have different ones. So, I cold imagine the backlash about taking "Christ" out of Christmas stuff. But our intention is not to tell you what to believe, but to ask we all be inclusive in how we talk and organize. When I was teaching a race, class, and gender course, I had my students read a small segment by Anderson and Hill-Collins about privilege and inclusion. The analogy the authors used is one of taking a picture. We are not taking anyone out of the picture, but instead expanding the focal point and lens to include everyone.
And this leads me to another thing I have been thinking about lately and especially when I was teaching sociology classes to criminal justice majors at my old institution. I've read enough papers with sexist, racist, classist, homophobic, transphobic, and xenophobic comments to satisfy a lifetime. My partner would always ask me why I would be so upset or attached to what the students were writing. Well, considering these students were intending to go into law enforcement in some manner, it does scare me. Considering what we know about the CJS, I think you might be able get my point. So at times knowing that I may not be able to have students fully accept the idea of diversity, oppression, and privilege, and especially when teaching online courses, I ended up using the logic of "you don't want to be the reason for a lawsuit". Not how I want to teach, but what was the case.
So, I think of things here in the Deep South. I think of the segregation and the discrimination my students tell me about that they have faced. I think of our ever so pleasant neighbor screaming about us. I drive my daughter to her school, where we have little contact with beyond the newsletters and some events. My daughter is white and does well in school. However, she "is not from here" and also not a Baptist. So, we've had a few incidents where some of the other children formed a little clique about their beliefs in god and told my daughter she was wrong. But that's small potatoes in terms of what I am thinking about. Being a sociologist I know way too much about our educational systems and practices (and education is not my area). There's the institutional racism, but there's the micro level piece also in which not everyone is probably aware about. So, as I drop my kid off at school, I wonder how the teachers are trained here. They have tough jobs with little pay to begin with, but are they thinking about discrimination and inequality in society and pay attention to this? Are the kids being treated fairly? Are there unconscious ways, those micro aggressions, that happen? Are the minority children treated fairly? Are they getting the same education? Do the other kids in the school learn racist ways from their families and enact this? Again, my kid is white and a good student, so we have this privilege, but I can't help but think about our neighbor some days and wonder also if people treat her negatively because of this.
I will end this by also saying that part of the experience of thinking about my neighbor has been about feelings of safety. While some people are able to brush these things off, I am not always able to do this easily. And it hit me the other day, as I re-experienced flashbacks to a time I was mugged on my front porch and how I had a hard time walking with people behind me. I want to trust people, but some experiences leave us feeling vulnerable.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
The first time being told "Yankee move back North"
Last night I had my first time being called a Yankee. As such, we are renting a house down here, in neighborhood that I would say is generally college students mixed with some families. People don't really talk to each other much in the neighborhood, which I think makes sense with a transient population of renters here.
So, one of our neighbors is a grandpa. While he wasn't exactly friendly when we first arrived, he did let me use his hose and an extension cord to fill the above ground pool I bought before my partner arrived with the rest of our stuff. I've attempted to be cordial to him, but just thought he was a distant person. Until last night...
I was outside doing work and my partner and one child were in the house getting dinner ready. Across the fence I got a talking to about one of my dogs, a black lab/spaniel mix, who is only 3 years old. He is a big dog and he barks at times, but my god so do all the dogs in this place. But we tell him not to bark and never let him out when we are not home. Yes, he has barked at the older man, but I tell him to stop. And the dog, like most, likes to jump, but he doesn't jump over fences (if he would escape, he digs which he did at our house in Minnesota). Anyway, there is chain link fence separating us from the old man.
Back to last night... instead of talking to me in civil way, in a threatening way tells me my dog is bad in the same sentence telling me my family and I are Yankees who need to move back North. Well, it's kind of hard to be polite back to this person at this point, and I tell him if he would say something to us nicely I would have gladly taken care of it. But then I remind him he had dog he kept on a short chain in his yard he asked me to take and that he plays his radio all night long outside and we were not freaking college students partying all night. I run and get my spouse as this guy is freaking me out. He cusses at my spouse who tells him our four year old kid is right there and not to use those words. I'm pissed. My partner walks away and I do a stupid thing and tell the guy he seems threatening, I may need to call the police, and this is where I should've kept my mouth shout, but he keeps calling me a Yankee, tell him should I start calling him a rural, redneck Southerner.
I do call my landlord as honestly, I've never faced this before. And I'm upset... scared and mad at the same time. I also have guilt of having my family move across the county for my job, to a place that is a small town in the South, and no we are not Southerners and here's one more thing to add to this stress of not feeling comfortable. And I was tempted to call the police just to document this interaction, though I didn't. My landlord asks if the guy is drunk and I saw it crossed my mind, but halfway jokingly and half way seriously said to him do Baptists drink as I believe this guy is (which I also noted that I think part of this guys belligerence to me is that I may not be Baptist... which is a story for another blog). I tell my landlord that I am scared a bit as I have no idea if this guy owns a gun (pretty common around these parts). At that point I am asking my landlord to talk to the guy at some point since we need to live here, which he seemed okay with, but saying let things cool down. Today, I really don't know if I want the landlord to talk to him and this will be my point in a minute. Do I feel bad about calling the landlord? Yes and no. No because if there are issues, I want him to know and we have done most of our own maintenance on this rental house. But today I feel a bit silly about calling him in tears and really don't think I want him to talk to the guy, as we will just ignore it until something else happens.
But later, I was outside in the front of the house and the neighbor arrived back home. I stood on my property and asked him if he was drunk as his behavior was horrible and that if we would talk to us nicely we would respond nicely and take care of the issue. But nope, he still responds in a crappy way telling me I'm a dumb ass. Lovely.
I took my son (the other child was at a birthday party) over to a friend's house after dinner (which I couldn't eat as I was upset). Felt a bit better. Came home and started crying again. And this is where I need and want to process this and am writing this blog post. This week was not great. We had a horrible college meeting in which people left scared instead of assured, which the latter I believe was supposed to be the point. I'm feeling the stress of being a parent balancing work along with really trying to give my spouse time to work on his business, which is his dream. Things are not horrible, but this hasn't been my favorite week and this first year, in moving to such a vastly different place, has not been exactly easy. So, when I got home last night, I start crying again and thinking about how I want to move back home. I felt lonely thinking I would never be able to do my job with all these outside factors anyway. Thinking if it is going to be like this here, being treated crappy because I am from the North, that it's not worth it for my family's and my sanity and at times questioning our safety (do I think this is real threat? I don't know, but more lenient gun rules, more guns, and people who act like that, it does make you think). And the guilt piles up about everything. My partner deals with this is in a much better way of saying ignore it and move on.
So, I fall asleep and wake up early (not abnormal) and I type this. A few thoughts this morning. One, I think my dog is a bit scared of going outside now or near the guy's yard. Well neighbor, you got what you asked for. But also, I need to in a sense have the attitude of being a bit angry enough that it doesn't put me back, but enough so that I don't care. Or as such to think this guy is a jerk and to take the high road. He will not scare me from being outside or having my dogs outside. I will make sure one of the dogs stays away from his side of the fence. I also have thought about talking to the college kids around us as they seem like good people who I have told to tell the dog to be quiet if he goes towards the back near them (and we tolerate the college kids' parties). I don't want to cause drama, but I also want to feel that someone would be there for our family if the man goes off again.
And I can't let this person derail my career. As much as it is hard to live here at times, I have to think about the good people and the people who have been supportive and nice. I also won't let him tarnish my view of everyone here. I reminded myself of this last night, though it's hard when you are new to an area. But as sociologist, I have to look at this in a bigger picture. As such, this is a college town, and there is historical riff with some of the locals with the college as it grows. And I'm sorry neighbor, but you live really close to campus and if my dog who is excited bothers you and you can't be grown enough to talk to me civilly and use stereotypical cut downs, you have the issue. Indeed, you just played into your own stereotype. And yes, living here has also taught me there still is a North/South divide for some folks. Get over it people... it's the year 2013. So, in closing, yes, I'm still pissed about this incident, but I will not let him scare me. That's how bullies win. Now back to work.
So, one of our neighbors is a grandpa. While he wasn't exactly friendly when we first arrived, he did let me use his hose and an extension cord to fill the above ground pool I bought before my partner arrived with the rest of our stuff. I've attempted to be cordial to him, but just thought he was a distant person. Until last night...
I was outside doing work and my partner and one child were in the house getting dinner ready. Across the fence I got a talking to about one of my dogs, a black lab/spaniel mix, who is only 3 years old. He is a big dog and he barks at times, but my god so do all the dogs in this place. But we tell him not to bark and never let him out when we are not home. Yes, he has barked at the older man, but I tell him to stop. And the dog, like most, likes to jump, but he doesn't jump over fences (if he would escape, he digs which he did at our house in Minnesota). Anyway, there is chain link fence separating us from the old man.
Back to last night... instead of talking to me in civil way, in a threatening way tells me my dog is bad in the same sentence telling me my family and I are Yankees who need to move back North. Well, it's kind of hard to be polite back to this person at this point, and I tell him if he would say something to us nicely I would have gladly taken care of it. But then I remind him he had dog he kept on a short chain in his yard he asked me to take and that he plays his radio all night long outside and we were not freaking college students partying all night. I run and get my spouse as this guy is freaking me out. He cusses at my spouse who tells him our four year old kid is right there and not to use those words. I'm pissed. My partner walks away and I do a stupid thing and tell the guy he seems threatening, I may need to call the police, and this is where I should've kept my mouth shout, but he keeps calling me a Yankee, tell him should I start calling him a rural, redneck Southerner.
I do call my landlord as honestly, I've never faced this before. And I'm upset... scared and mad at the same time. I also have guilt of having my family move across the county for my job, to a place that is a small town in the South, and no we are not Southerners and here's one more thing to add to this stress of not feeling comfortable. And I was tempted to call the police just to document this interaction, though I didn't. My landlord asks if the guy is drunk and I saw it crossed my mind, but halfway jokingly and half way seriously said to him do Baptists drink as I believe this guy is (which I also noted that I think part of this guys belligerence to me is that I may not be Baptist... which is a story for another blog). I tell my landlord that I am scared a bit as I have no idea if this guy owns a gun (pretty common around these parts). At that point I am asking my landlord to talk to the guy at some point since we need to live here, which he seemed okay with, but saying let things cool down. Today, I really don't know if I want the landlord to talk to him and this will be my point in a minute. Do I feel bad about calling the landlord? Yes and no. No because if there are issues, I want him to know and we have done most of our own maintenance on this rental house. But today I feel a bit silly about calling him in tears and really don't think I want him to talk to the guy, as we will just ignore it until something else happens.
But later, I was outside in the front of the house and the neighbor arrived back home. I stood on my property and asked him if he was drunk as his behavior was horrible and that if we would talk to us nicely we would respond nicely and take care of the issue. But nope, he still responds in a crappy way telling me I'm a dumb ass. Lovely.
I took my son (the other child was at a birthday party) over to a friend's house after dinner (which I couldn't eat as I was upset). Felt a bit better. Came home and started crying again. And this is where I need and want to process this and am writing this blog post. This week was not great. We had a horrible college meeting in which people left scared instead of assured, which the latter I believe was supposed to be the point. I'm feeling the stress of being a parent balancing work along with really trying to give my spouse time to work on his business, which is his dream. Things are not horrible, but this hasn't been my favorite week and this first year, in moving to such a vastly different place, has not been exactly easy. So, when I got home last night, I start crying again and thinking about how I want to move back home. I felt lonely thinking I would never be able to do my job with all these outside factors anyway. Thinking if it is going to be like this here, being treated crappy because I am from the North, that it's not worth it for my family's and my sanity and at times questioning our safety (do I think this is real threat? I don't know, but more lenient gun rules, more guns, and people who act like that, it does make you think). And the guilt piles up about everything. My partner deals with this is in a much better way of saying ignore it and move on.
So, I fall asleep and wake up early (not abnormal) and I type this. A few thoughts this morning. One, I think my dog is a bit scared of going outside now or near the guy's yard. Well neighbor, you got what you asked for. But also, I need to in a sense have the attitude of being a bit angry enough that it doesn't put me back, but enough so that I don't care. Or as such to think this guy is a jerk and to take the high road. He will not scare me from being outside or having my dogs outside. I will make sure one of the dogs stays away from his side of the fence. I also have thought about talking to the college kids around us as they seem like good people who I have told to tell the dog to be quiet if he goes towards the back near them (and we tolerate the college kids' parties). I don't want to cause drama, but I also want to feel that someone would be there for our family if the man goes off again.
And I can't let this person derail my career. As much as it is hard to live here at times, I have to think about the good people and the people who have been supportive and nice. I also won't let him tarnish my view of everyone here. I reminded myself of this last night, though it's hard when you are new to an area. But as sociologist, I have to look at this in a bigger picture. As such, this is a college town, and there is historical riff with some of the locals with the college as it grows. And I'm sorry neighbor, but you live really close to campus and if my dog who is excited bothers you and you can't be grown enough to talk to me civilly and use stereotypical cut downs, you have the issue. Indeed, you just played into your own stereotype. And yes, living here has also taught me there still is a North/South divide for some folks. Get over it people... it's the year 2013. So, in closing, yes, I'm still pissed about this incident, but I will not let him scare me. That's how bullies win. Now back to work.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Why I write
During the course of a day, I think about many, many things. I am that person who makes lists, but too many lists, and then tend to misplace my lists. I used to be the person who could remember everything about social events or times with friends and family, which would at times in infuriate people, but other times, it was seen as one of my quirky qualities. I take it to be one of the reasons I can be a great ethnographer.
But as I go through the day, I think a lot. I think about not only what I have to do, but I think about what I see. I think about what I hear. I often use my sociological perspective and wonder. I think about many research projects that could be done based on what I am seeing and hearing. I think of many things I could write about. I think about the "famous" blogs of different feminists and others in their writing about events and think I could do that. But, in all honesty, I don't care how many people read this, nor do I really have time to write such a great blog. Yet, I am continuing to write this blog. And here is the reason I think why.
Some people exercise to get their head together, relieve anxiety, etc. While I have exercised and felt this, I still don't get the same satisfaction of getting my thoughts together or even lets say out of my head. At times, I think of more things. I am not saying I don't like exercising or it's not good for me or anyone. But I also don't like to work out in a gym. I would prefer to ride my bike outside. I want to like Yoga more, but haven't found the right class or space to take it. And I do like to swim, but it's something I can't do for hours as I'm not that fit. As I ponder this, I think that when I exercise, I am able to be in the moment, which is incredibly important for mental health. But it doesn't necessarily help get all of these thoughts out, though I may be able to organize them more.
Oh, and if you read this and know me, I am a very verbal person. I process by talking. I probably talk too much. I like to talk about ideas. I do also like to write academically, but have realized more and more that the 20 minute a day thing hasn't been working for me lately, which may be the stage I am at now. I need large chunks of time to be into the writing and research coding process. I get in a more Zen state of writing this way and this is how I get it done.
So, back to why I write and I'm not out there running this morning or hitting the gym or what not. It clears my head. It lets me take a bit of the jumble out. I get to express myself. I get to think about how the personal experiences relate to larger society. It's my outlet, as a type of journal you might say. I often think about now what I might write after a day. And even if I don't get to writing it (as mornings are my best time for this), it helps give me direction. And also, it gives me practice. I don't edit this writing here. But I do think about my sentences and so forth. Not all academics were born great writers and some of us take longer to write, myself included. I tend to ramble when I talk and write and as a friend in my MSW program told me, reading my writing is like talking to me. So, I do try to an extent to practice some of the good writing skills here.
Thus, I conclude this writing for me is like exercise for others. But it's also my practice, my homework in getting back into writing for academic purposes. Thus, it has dual purposes to improve my mental health, but also to write better.
But as I go through the day, I think a lot. I think about not only what I have to do, but I think about what I see. I think about what I hear. I often use my sociological perspective and wonder. I think about many research projects that could be done based on what I am seeing and hearing. I think of many things I could write about. I think about the "famous" blogs of different feminists and others in their writing about events and think I could do that. But, in all honesty, I don't care how many people read this, nor do I really have time to write such a great blog. Yet, I am continuing to write this blog. And here is the reason I think why.
Some people exercise to get their head together, relieve anxiety, etc. While I have exercised and felt this, I still don't get the same satisfaction of getting my thoughts together or even lets say out of my head. At times, I think of more things. I am not saying I don't like exercising or it's not good for me or anyone. But I also don't like to work out in a gym. I would prefer to ride my bike outside. I want to like Yoga more, but haven't found the right class or space to take it. And I do like to swim, but it's something I can't do for hours as I'm not that fit. As I ponder this, I think that when I exercise, I am able to be in the moment, which is incredibly important for mental health. But it doesn't necessarily help get all of these thoughts out, though I may be able to organize them more.
Oh, and if you read this and know me, I am a very verbal person. I process by talking. I probably talk too much. I like to talk about ideas. I do also like to write academically, but have realized more and more that the 20 minute a day thing hasn't been working for me lately, which may be the stage I am at now. I need large chunks of time to be into the writing and research coding process. I get in a more Zen state of writing this way and this is how I get it done.
So, back to why I write and I'm not out there running this morning or hitting the gym or what not. It clears my head. It lets me take a bit of the jumble out. I get to express myself. I get to think about how the personal experiences relate to larger society. It's my outlet, as a type of journal you might say. I often think about now what I might write after a day. And even if I don't get to writing it (as mornings are my best time for this), it helps give me direction. And also, it gives me practice. I don't edit this writing here. But I do think about my sentences and so forth. Not all academics were born great writers and some of us take longer to write, myself included. I tend to ramble when I talk and write and as a friend in my MSW program told me, reading my writing is like talking to me. So, I do try to an extent to practice some of the good writing skills here.
Thus, I conclude this writing for me is like exercise for others. But it's also my practice, my homework in getting back into writing for academic purposes. Thus, it has dual purposes to improve my mental health, but also to write better.
practice vs research brain
As I attempt to write a submission for a conference, the idea of practice vs. research brain is on my mind. I tell people that it is hard to get back into academic writing. Yes, I obtained my PhD, but it was almost five years ago. After the last two years in a MSW program, in which we did writing, but not research, most of the focus was learning principles to apply in your practice/internship. I characterize my foundation year internship as student services and both my second year ones as clinical mental health.
While we may read the works of therapists, who write in addition to their practice in mental health, it seems when we look generally at the practice of social work, there is not time to write. But also, I have to consider what writing means and my own background before coming into a MSW program. I was already trained as a researcher, or may we say after eight years in a PhD program, an academic. While I must be careful as what I think and say only comes from my lens and non-scientific observations, it did seem that many of my classmates were more aligned with practice and not as concerned with the writing and academic components of the program. This makes sense- after all a MSW program is an applied program. I have heard in some programs, one does write a masters' paper, in ours it was all coursework and internships. But this is part of my point- I've been trained for the last two years in doing practice, not academic research, writing, and publication.
And now as I am thinking and planning my research agenda in my academic job, my brain feels jumbled and numb at times. But first, let me get to a point of why I started this blog in helping me write a conference submission. As such, let me go back to my internship experiences. My first year was in a GLBTA office, which did great work in a university setting. Academic knowledge was tied into the work of the office, though my role was more about running a mentor program and some work on ally development. In my second year, I interned in a chemical dependency rehab setting. This was a challenging internship for many reasons and again I am careful about generalizations, but it was not a setting in which one was easily allowed to ask why. I think there are a few reasons for this, but as someone trained as a scholar and researcher, this was frustrating, especially when things didn't make sense or didn't seem to be working. Moreover, my role as an intern I learned was one of not asking these type of questions. And this is the setting in which I observed things, that I did not understand or did not feel right with my training in sociology, social work, and feminist studies, in which I turned my frustration and why questions into ideas for a research project.
When I think about the not being to ask why, I also think back to my MSW program, in which every MSW student must learn about Evidence Based Practices (EBPs). And while I understand EBPs in terms of practice, though with any knowledge we must look at who was studied, when, why and the so forth to see how it might apply or its generalizability, and also use our practice wisdom in addition, sometimes it seems overwhelming to know so much while doing practice. I like to use what my supervisor in my last internship noted, use what works and use different interventions and approaches. This is a writing for another day.
But back to my point here is that I'm trying to figure out my research, draw upon sociology and social work literature and training in these areas for two areas I am interested in studying. But I am also teaching social service classes that are more skills based while also revising an internship program. My head is all over. And at times I forgot what it was like to read an academic article I truly enjoyed. So two things. Sometimes I sound like I don't know what I am saying to people when I talk. And yes, it could be that I don't know what I am saying, but yet I also have so much going on in my head with all these different things, plus my personal life in raising kids and having a partner, that it does get jumbled. Maybe I'll figure out how to decompress this information better, especially as time goes by. But my other point is that it was really exciting to start reading academic literature again and remembering what I do know and have read.
While we may read the works of therapists, who write in addition to their practice in mental health, it seems when we look generally at the practice of social work, there is not time to write. But also, I have to consider what writing means and my own background before coming into a MSW program. I was already trained as a researcher, or may we say after eight years in a PhD program, an academic. While I must be careful as what I think and say only comes from my lens and non-scientific observations, it did seem that many of my classmates were more aligned with practice and not as concerned with the writing and academic components of the program. This makes sense- after all a MSW program is an applied program. I have heard in some programs, one does write a masters' paper, in ours it was all coursework and internships. But this is part of my point- I've been trained for the last two years in doing practice, not academic research, writing, and publication.
And now as I am thinking and planning my research agenda in my academic job, my brain feels jumbled and numb at times. But first, let me get to a point of why I started this blog in helping me write a conference submission. As such, let me go back to my internship experiences. My first year was in a GLBTA office, which did great work in a university setting. Academic knowledge was tied into the work of the office, though my role was more about running a mentor program and some work on ally development. In my second year, I interned in a chemical dependency rehab setting. This was a challenging internship for many reasons and again I am careful about generalizations, but it was not a setting in which one was easily allowed to ask why. I think there are a few reasons for this, but as someone trained as a scholar and researcher, this was frustrating, especially when things didn't make sense or didn't seem to be working. Moreover, my role as an intern I learned was one of not asking these type of questions. And this is the setting in which I observed things, that I did not understand or did not feel right with my training in sociology, social work, and feminist studies, in which I turned my frustration and why questions into ideas for a research project.
When I think about the not being to ask why, I also think back to my MSW program, in which every MSW student must learn about Evidence Based Practices (EBPs). And while I understand EBPs in terms of practice, though with any knowledge we must look at who was studied, when, why and the so forth to see how it might apply or its generalizability, and also use our practice wisdom in addition, sometimes it seems overwhelming to know so much while doing practice. I like to use what my supervisor in my last internship noted, use what works and use different interventions and approaches. This is a writing for another day.
But back to my point here is that I'm trying to figure out my research, draw upon sociology and social work literature and training in these areas for two areas I am interested in studying. But I am also teaching social service classes that are more skills based while also revising an internship program. My head is all over. And at times I forgot what it was like to read an academic article I truly enjoyed. So two things. Sometimes I sound like I don't know what I am saying to people when I talk. And yes, it could be that I don't know what I am saying, but yet I also have so much going on in my head with all these different things, plus my personal life in raising kids and having a partner, that it does get jumbled. Maybe I'll figure out how to decompress this information better, especially as time goes by. But my other point is that it was really exciting to start reading academic literature again and remembering what I do know and have read.
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