I have neglected blogging... it was spring break, we are going to buy a house here, and my youngest child, well he's 4.
Here are things on my mind, about living in a small town in the South, which this blog seems to be about a lot lately. But that's my life right now. I am being an "arm chair" sociologist with my observations, but I never said they were generalizable. Remember I was born and raised in the Midwest in a stable middle class family. I went to college in a college town in the Midwest, and then lived in Minneapolis for 13 years, where I completed two more degrees, worked, and lived in the urban core.
1) I have a bumper sticker which says "I'm Ready for Hilary." Per a mom's night out, I am known for my bumper sticker (or maybe that my car has duct tape on it and looks like hell, but hey it's a Toyota and it runs). I never thought about putting on bumper stickers until I moved here (and when I was younger my dad would have been quite angry at me for doing this). But after neighbor incident (see a previous post on being called a Yankee), a religious debacle in regards to public schools here, and being in Southern Baptist land, I might be more afraid to put "liberal" bumper stickers on. But you know what, part of me wants to shout to the world, yes, I am a pro-choice, LGBTQ ally, feminist, anti-racist ally, etc and you can't make me leave or hurt me. But the other part of me wonders, and a lot of this stems from teaching sociology and criminology/criminal justice courses and students and knowing their biases, will I get pulled over just because of my sticker? Will someone try to hurt my children because I have this bumper sticker? Or maybe as a few friends have asked me, do people here ven know what this means?
Trust me, I have thought about having a contest of who could send me the most awesome bumper stickers about all the causes I am for and seeing what happened (maybe I could write that up for a journal for an ethnomethodology experiment). Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. But I know at least when I see an Obama/Biden bumper sticker on a car, I smile and feel in good company.
2) License plates here... you can pick from the old design or a newer one. But you also get the option to have "In God We Trust" on your plates. Why do people pick this? How do they see religion and god? Knowing that the "In God We Trust" on our money stems from Communist fears back in the day, what does it mean know in the South, in the Deep South? I want to be tolerant of different religious beliefs, but it has been hard here. A lot of this is the influence of the Southern Baptist church here. It's not pretty for folks who believe in rights for many oppressed folks or women's rights.
3) Can I live in this small town? It's about half of the size of the town I grew up in. But it's all catered towards college students. We are buying a house because the rent is inflated here being a college town and honestly my partner and I are more the homeowner type of people (a longer story for another day). I guess if I don't get tenure or it doesn't work out, we could rent at an affordable price to faculty.
But back to the point about can I live here? I finally have that dream TT job!!! I am finally getting back into the research mind after applied work and training. Yet, I miss things from the city. I miss having museums less than a 15 minute drive. I miss having IKEA (yes, I do... you can spend hours just looking around). I miss having good restaurants and grocery stores that stock stuff we buy. I miss being anonymous in ways too. I miss having a selection of bars to go to for happy hour where I don't know everyone there.
And I feel guilty at times about bringing my family here. We moved here for my job. This means that we miss out on things we left. How will my kids feel when they are teens living in a small town? How do I repay to my partner for his move here, where he lacks many things he enjoys and outlets for his work?
Yes, there are pros... it's warm. We can garden longer. We can drive to the ocean in about an hour. We have a cool town about 45 minutes away. But sometimes I feel that I am going crazy here... I'm being honest and that's what I have to be now.
Until next time....
Monday, March 24, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Growing Thicker Skin & The Emotion Work of Teaching
This past week has been a long week in working with students, emotionally supporting them, and then having one who dislikes me.
My teaching week started with a student who does average in my class ending up in my office discussing her work. I suggested she use the writing center, but I also told her this was not a negative thing. I explained to her that I received this suggestion during graduate school, that it takes me a long time to write, and some other things I have been told about my writing. I also told her about a Dean at a college I was once worked at, who was an English professor, who told us that she has her own personal editor because of the struggles she has with writing. The student started crying, and I knew this was beyond the writing center suggestion. To find out, I asked what was going on. She works two shifts at her job and only is able to sleep on the weekends. She can't afford not to. So, I talked with her about how she doesn't have to get an A in my class and that she needs to make her own priorities (i.e. I'm a realist here and know that not working or working less was not going to be an option for her). Passing the class with a C is fine. I don't write this because this will be the only case of this, but this dilemma of working full time and going to school is real for many students at my university.
On Thursday, my next teaching day, I saw a student I had last semester. Her face was puffy, red, and around her eyes even looked purple. My first thought was did she get hurt. We talked and the student found out the day before a good friend of hers committed suicide. The friend shot herself in a car and no one found her until three days later in the car. I listened to her talk and gave her a hug. My heart breaks for her.
Later on Thursday, I had another student, who I adore, in my office. She battles trauma. She is struggling now for various reasons after struggling last semester. She has decided to attend school part time, which is a good thing. And I spent time listening to her, letting her express her emotions, and giving her encouragment.
I do not mind when these things happen. I get sad because of the situations I cannot change for my students. I am glad that they are able to confide in me and have somewhere safe on campus to talk and to have someone listen to them. But yet, it is emotional work. It is the work that we don't necessarily talk about when we talk about teaching. It's what people don't notice about our jobs (also including the time we spend prepping for courses), but the time we take to listen and support our students. I know not all college professors or instructors do this, in listening to students and letting them have a space to express their emotions. Some would say that we are not therapists and this is not our job. Maybe because I was trained in my MSW program to do therapy and did practice in this area before coming back to teaching, I am more apt to do this. But even before this when I was teaching it would happen. However, I think that if you are on the people who can do this for your students, you make a difference. You may be the one person they can talk to. The student may not be able to afford or access therapy. You don't need to be trained in therapy to be a good listener. You don't have to offer advice to the student on their emotional issues, but tell them it's okay to have emotions. The most important thing we learn in being trained in clinical mental health is LISTENING! That is one of the most essential supportive, empathetic things we can do.
But yet, I think it is also important that we do listen to students and in an academic advisement role, help them navigate their options. For instance, a conversation earlier this semester with a student about her schedule, her want to do an internship, a low GPA, and the reasons for this GPA led to a discussion I had with her about managing 18 credit hours for two semesters when she had problems in the past. Some of this is about being human and recognizing what we know about having full plates and what it means to be a student with many obligations.
Yet, the time I took with the students this week and the knowledge I brought to bear on these situations may not get recognized in my annual reviews and scores for teaching for merit. This isn't a new subject and probably is very much gendered that women professors end up doing more of this emotional labor. Whether it counts or not, I think it is time for me to start documenting this time. Some may say it might backfire, but at a regional state school in which our funding is tied into having students complete a certain number of credit hours and a push to mentor students now that they have professional advisers for each department in our college, why shouldn't it count?
Later in the week, let's just say I had a bad teaching week. I could not let go of what happened in my classes this week. Did I screw up? How could I have done better? Can I salvage the class?
I need to get better at having "thicker skin" in these moments in class and not worrying consistently about them.
In talking with colleagues, I was comforted and said not to worry and really to have thicker skin. I was told also first year faculty get tested and generally you get students who don't want to take the other professors. Others told me I should enact my professor role more and tell students what I do find unacceptable.
So, I have to move on from this and repair this class somehow and make it more structured, which is sad for some of the students as we would have good conversations in teaching this class like a seminar. But this is also the day I realized that publications count more. In being treated like I am not a human, but I should be a robot professor was also the day I realized that more time needs to be spent on research than class prep.
I know this all comes with the job. I know I have had difficult students in the past. I know I did things wrong, for which I have and do apologize (which I think is a thing not all professors would do). But with moving to the South from the North, starting a new job this year, and all that comes with this that I have wrote about, my skin has loosened. I remember feeling these things the first year I taught as a graduate student or in a new place before. I have to get thicker skin again.
My teaching week started with a student who does average in my class ending up in my office discussing her work. I suggested she use the writing center, but I also told her this was not a negative thing. I explained to her that I received this suggestion during graduate school, that it takes me a long time to write, and some other things I have been told about my writing. I also told her about a Dean at a college I was once worked at, who was an English professor, who told us that she has her own personal editor because of the struggles she has with writing. The student started crying, and I knew this was beyond the writing center suggestion. To find out, I asked what was going on. She works two shifts at her job and only is able to sleep on the weekends. She can't afford not to. So, I talked with her about how she doesn't have to get an A in my class and that she needs to make her own priorities (i.e. I'm a realist here and know that not working or working less was not going to be an option for her). Passing the class with a C is fine. I don't write this because this will be the only case of this, but this dilemma of working full time and going to school is real for many students at my university.
On Thursday, my next teaching day, I saw a student I had last semester. Her face was puffy, red, and around her eyes even looked purple. My first thought was did she get hurt. We talked and the student found out the day before a good friend of hers committed suicide. The friend shot herself in a car and no one found her until three days later in the car. I listened to her talk and gave her a hug. My heart breaks for her.
Later on Thursday, I had another student, who I adore, in my office. She battles trauma. She is struggling now for various reasons after struggling last semester. She has decided to attend school part time, which is a good thing. And I spent time listening to her, letting her express her emotions, and giving her encouragment.
I do not mind when these things happen. I get sad because of the situations I cannot change for my students. I am glad that they are able to confide in me and have somewhere safe on campus to talk and to have someone listen to them. But yet, it is emotional work. It is the work that we don't necessarily talk about when we talk about teaching. It's what people don't notice about our jobs (also including the time we spend prepping for courses), but the time we take to listen and support our students. I know not all college professors or instructors do this, in listening to students and letting them have a space to express their emotions. Some would say that we are not therapists and this is not our job. Maybe because I was trained in my MSW program to do therapy and did practice in this area before coming back to teaching, I am more apt to do this. But even before this when I was teaching it would happen. However, I think that if you are on the people who can do this for your students, you make a difference. You may be the one person they can talk to. The student may not be able to afford or access therapy. You don't need to be trained in therapy to be a good listener. You don't have to offer advice to the student on their emotional issues, but tell them it's okay to have emotions. The most important thing we learn in being trained in clinical mental health is LISTENING! That is one of the most essential supportive, empathetic things we can do.
But yet, I think it is also important that we do listen to students and in an academic advisement role, help them navigate their options. For instance, a conversation earlier this semester with a student about her schedule, her want to do an internship, a low GPA, and the reasons for this GPA led to a discussion I had with her about managing 18 credit hours for two semesters when she had problems in the past. Some of this is about being human and recognizing what we know about having full plates and what it means to be a student with many obligations.
Yet, the time I took with the students this week and the knowledge I brought to bear on these situations may not get recognized in my annual reviews and scores for teaching for merit. This isn't a new subject and probably is very much gendered that women professors end up doing more of this emotional labor. Whether it counts or not, I think it is time for me to start documenting this time. Some may say it might backfire, but at a regional state school in which our funding is tied into having students complete a certain number of credit hours and a push to mentor students now that they have professional advisers for each department in our college, why shouldn't it count?
Later in the week, let's just say I had a bad teaching week. I could not let go of what happened in my classes this week. Did I screw up? How could I have done better? Can I salvage the class?
I need to get better at having "thicker skin" in these moments in class and not worrying consistently about them.
In talking with colleagues, I was comforted and said not to worry and really to have thicker skin. I was told also first year faculty get tested and generally you get students who don't want to take the other professors. Others told me I should enact my professor role more and tell students what I do find unacceptable.
So, I have to move on from this and repair this class somehow and make it more structured, which is sad for some of the students as we would have good conversations in teaching this class like a seminar. But this is also the day I realized that publications count more. In being treated like I am not a human, but I should be a robot professor was also the day I realized that more time needs to be spent on research than class prep.
I know this all comes with the job. I know I have had difficult students in the past. I know I did things wrong, for which I have and do apologize (which I think is a thing not all professors would do). But with moving to the South from the North, starting a new job this year, and all that comes with this that I have wrote about, my skin has loosened. I remember feeling these things the first year I taught as a graduate student or in a new place before. I have to get thicker skin again.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Heavy Metal and Church
When I first moved to this city in the Deep South, I discovered that in my house, I had a hard time getting radio station signals on my little clock radio, which even has an antenna. One Sunday morning this summer as I was cleaning after moving in (yes, this might be even the day I found what I believe to be a sex toy of some sorts in the bathroom cabinet... nice cleaning job landlord!), I had the radio on to the one station I could get somewhat clear reception. Some might call it a classic rock channel, while I've never paid enough attention to note what the radio station labels itself. They play various artists such as Black Sabbath, the Who, Nirvana, to what has been labeled as "Southern Rock", a category I still do not understand. While I would listen to some of these artists on their own, some of the music is not my first choice or reminds me of people from my past I would like to forget. Yet, I am digressing from my point.... it's one of the only radio stations I can get in my house or car that is not strictly country (not anything wrong with county, I just don't like new country music). So, I played this station this one Sunday morning...
Sometime in the later morning hours as I was cleaning and my attention came back to the radio station, and I realized it was not music anymore, but a live broadcast of a church service. While I don't know what church it was, based on where I live and the proportion of churches here (Southern and Primitive Baptist ones dominate), I'm guessing from this and what was said, it was some sort of Baptist church sermon being broadcasted.
I thought this was ironic at the time... come on, Black Sabbath is not generally considered Christian music. But what do I know, or as a sociologists, I do know about value contradictions.
Eventually, I saved myself from the lack of radio stations when I received my Ipad and could play Pandora or using the Ipod in the car. But again this is a digression from my point.
This past Sunday the kids and I went to church and came home after before leaving for something else. It's about 3 minutes or less travel time between the Unitarian Univeraslist church and our house; alas not always worth the effort to plug in the Ipod. As we were driving back to our house, the heavy metal station was on in the car, but it was church time on the station.
While I only listened for a few minutes, I found myself debating/yelling at the radio and the pastor (is this the right word... I'm not a religious scholar) as he (and it is always a he in the Baptist church), discuss being human. As days have passed since Sunday, I forget all that was said, but the one point that just got me was him talking about being a chair vs. being a human (what an analogy!).
So, the pastor talked about how a chair knew what it is... a chair knows it is a chair. He then went on to talk about humans and something about morality, which is when I stopped listening. Okay, but how can you even make this comparison to humans to a chair? I'm not a philosopher, but a sociologist. A chair does not know it is a chair because well a chair doesn't have a brain, feelings, and the so forth. Sorry folks, a chair is an object. Instead, we as a society have decided it is a chair and what it should be used for. We have constructed the meaning of this object.... and this could differ depending on time, place, etc...
Yes, this may seem like a trivial topic to post about, but I still can't believe the comparison used. And as a sociologist, this comparison seems even worse, especially if his point was about how we as humans are supposed to be good people and look to "God" to know how to be good and what we should do. This brings on a whole new host of issues, such as my strong held belief if you need "God" to tell you how to be good, well, you might have some thinking to do. Or that with these conservative religions, the preachings of "God" don't always tell you to be good to others (i.e. LGBTQ folks, abortion providers, etc..).
So, to end, no sir, a chair does not know what it is. A chair does not think. A chair is wood. The wood may have came from a living tree, but it is now wood. A chair is not a living, breathing thing with a mind. Instead, we have constructed what it is as a society. It is a social construction. And to use this as an example of why or how we should believe in "God" seems a bit out of the woods.
Sometime in the later morning hours as I was cleaning and my attention came back to the radio station, and I realized it was not music anymore, but a live broadcast of a church service. While I don't know what church it was, based on where I live and the proportion of churches here (Southern and Primitive Baptist ones dominate), I'm guessing from this and what was said, it was some sort of Baptist church sermon being broadcasted.
I thought this was ironic at the time... come on, Black Sabbath is not generally considered Christian music. But what do I know, or as a sociologists, I do know about value contradictions.
Eventually, I saved myself from the lack of radio stations when I received my Ipad and could play Pandora or using the Ipod in the car. But again this is a digression from my point.
This past Sunday the kids and I went to church and came home after before leaving for something else. It's about 3 minutes or less travel time between the Unitarian Univeraslist church and our house; alas not always worth the effort to plug in the Ipod. As we were driving back to our house, the heavy metal station was on in the car, but it was church time on the station.
While I only listened for a few minutes, I found myself debating/yelling at the radio and the pastor (is this the right word... I'm not a religious scholar) as he (and it is always a he in the Baptist church), discuss being human. As days have passed since Sunday, I forget all that was said, but the one point that just got me was him talking about being a chair vs. being a human (what an analogy!).
So, the pastor talked about how a chair knew what it is... a chair knows it is a chair. He then went on to talk about humans and something about morality, which is when I stopped listening. Okay, but how can you even make this comparison to humans to a chair? I'm not a philosopher, but a sociologist. A chair does not know it is a chair because well a chair doesn't have a brain, feelings, and the so forth. Sorry folks, a chair is an object. Instead, we as a society have decided it is a chair and what it should be used for. We have constructed the meaning of this object.... and this could differ depending on time, place, etc...
Yes, this may seem like a trivial topic to post about, but I still can't believe the comparison used. And as a sociologist, this comparison seems even worse, especially if his point was about how we as humans are supposed to be good people and look to "God" to know how to be good and what we should do. This brings on a whole new host of issues, such as my strong held belief if you need "God" to tell you how to be good, well, you might have some thinking to do. Or that with these conservative religions, the preachings of "God" don't always tell you to be good to others (i.e. LGBTQ folks, abortion providers, etc..).
So, to end, no sir, a chair does not know what it is. A chair does not think. A chair is wood. The wood may have came from a living tree, but it is now wood. A chair is not a living, breathing thing with a mind. Instead, we have constructed what it is as a society. It is a social construction. And to use this as an example of why or how we should believe in "God" seems a bit out of the woods.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
What, I made a gramatical error yesterday?
Ms. Knowledge apologize not only for her grammatical errors in her previous post (way to go professor!), but also her post describing her depressed mood. And why is Ms. Knowledge talking in Elmo speak (i.e. third person)? (Editorial Note... this was started yesterday, but finished today
Today is a new day, but another learning lesson in being in a TT job. Today I received the scores my first annual review and the summary of my peer teaching evaluation that happened yesterday (wow, my colleague works fast). I discuss the results of the annual review with my chair on Monday. I don't know what to think, though I do have concerns. Like any evaluation, I think there are things we can agree with that we already knew, but there are things that remain mysteries (such as how student evaluations of teaching are rated, especially when you are prepping all new classes and just moved cross county) and well the fear of publishing is now escalated (well, I guess it always is, isn't it?). I've said this here before, but as a friend from graduate school once said, we have to be perfect at everything. And I full well knew this before accepting my TT job, but it seems so different when the you are actually on the tenure clock.
So this leads me to a few topics and questions that may or may not be discussed as I write this while trying to prepare dinner (mulch-tasking), a day spent trying to figure out per-aprroval for a mortgage to buy a house here, a faculty meeting, and well getting the results back from what I mentioned above. I am tired. I am burnt, but yet I have this odd sense of energy as the week ends and I reflect.
Today is a new day, but another learning lesson in being in a TT job. Today I received the scores my first annual review and the summary of my peer teaching evaluation that happened yesterday (wow, my colleague works fast). I discuss the results of the annual review with my chair on Monday. I don't know what to think, though I do have concerns. Like any evaluation, I think there are things we can agree with that we already knew, but there are things that remain mysteries (such as how student evaluations of teaching are rated, especially when you are prepping all new classes and just moved cross county) and well the fear of publishing is now escalated (well, I guess it always is, isn't it?). I've said this here before, but as a friend from graduate school once said, we have to be perfect at everything. And I full well knew this before accepting my TT job, but it seems so different when the you are actually on the tenure clock.
So this leads me to a few topics and questions that may or may not be discussed as I write this while trying to prepare dinner (mulch-tasking), a day spent trying to figure out per-aprroval for a mortgage to buy a house here, a faculty meeting, and well getting the results back from what I mentioned above. I am tired. I am burnt, but yet I have this odd sense of energy as the week ends and I reflect.
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